Runaway Thoughts of Mine

"Who is the third who walks always beside you?"

2011-05-06T23:59:00.001+08:00

It was only of late that she had felt it.
She had known for a while that her shadow had become dormant, reclusive even.
She had always had intellect-filled

conversations with her shadow;
Her shadow responded in kind, occasionally giving her more than silence,
perhaps somewhat in acknowledgement
or gratitude for its own existence.
But this was a different matter entirely, she knew.
It was the silence and near disappearance of her own shadow

That clued her in on the danger.
Something, someone
Was sucking, slowly
Away at her life-force.
She could nearly see it dissipating;

Becoming intangible and whispery.
Ethereal.
Who was the third?
Who was the third unknown
Who Walked, closely
Boding danger?
How strange to think, that
It was her shadow's disappearance
That clued her in to it all.

Talk About Pets

2011-05-04T17:27:00.003+08:00

Name: Sean Taylor

Age: 5 months (?)

Gender: Male

Characteristics/Description: Small, but large for his kind. White with brownish-grey fur on his back. Likes eating carrots and broccoli. Shits quite a lot. Enjoys running around in a blue transparent ball. Is afraid of vacuum cleaners.

No, this is not some love child. It's my hamster. :)

So Close and Yet So Far

2011-04-19T01:10:00.001+08:00

I want a pet so that I can talk to it.

Dear Anon/Angry Bird

2011-04-19T00:46:00.002+08:00

Dear Anon/Angry Bird,

Thanks to O (a junior of mine), I think that you are one of my juniors. Or someone whom I have met in school. Probably. O had texted me, and O revealed that I had a 'stalker' - well, I don't call reading my blog (even the old archives) to be stalking. Following me home is considered stalking. That would be excessive.

Thank you for your kind comments on my self-image. I would like you to know that although your comments have been exceedingly welcome and balm-like, I still hold the same kind of self-image that I have. I do not mean to say that your comments were useless; in fact, they were not. I will not elaborate further. Others who read my blog may receive the wrong idea.

Talk About Visitors

2011-04-14T00:47:00.003+08:00

Someone called Wolf-Eyes commented on my cbox that although I may not want Wolf Totem anymore, I could find it in the mg library. Well, the mg library was where I first saw the book. I certainly want it. Along with all the other books on my list of wanted books.

Someone else called anon, apparently, has decided that I am not fat. Unfortunately, anon is not me, and anon, even if you know me and apparently decide that I am not carrying revolting excess adipose, I believe the decision and judgement is mine alone in the end. At any rate, bear in mind that the uniform in which you probably see me in is this baggy sack that conceals everything.

Talk About Being Fucked Up

2011-04-09T21:47:00.002+08:00

My juniors think I'm a nice person and they think I'm smart and good at debate! I'm having the laugh of the century. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

They think they know me. Hahahahah! That's your cue to laugh even harder 'cos they don't! I mean, yes, to a certain extent I am a nice person (despite everything I think I am not meant to kill people) but they don't know how screwed up their senior is! Hahahah!

I mean, there's so much they don't know. That people don't know, in general. Hahahah. But then again I'm not as screwed up as I could possibly be if I were other people (no finger-pointing here though) so I guess I'm doing good.

I'm having the laugh of a century - not to mention it's nice to think that others think I'm nice. :)

2011-04-02T16:31:00.002+08:00

I don't believe it when you say I've lost weight because I haven't, and I still need to stop eating so much. I need to stick to three meals, not eat eight times a day.

asdfghjkl

2011-04-01T18:20:00.002+08:00

As you will realise this is the third post today, consecutively, but I have to get it all out before going to do my homework in peace.

I HAVE TAEKWONDO GRADING THIS SUNDAY ASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM.......

Finally, after missing two of the scheduled gradings because of miscommunication about the dates and administrative fuck ups, I'm finally going. -.-

Welcome to Weekend Homework and Weekend Gripes.

2011-04-01T18:15:00.002+08:00

I tried tracking down the bands from BandAge on fb. Turned up someone's blog post quite a while back. The female drummer from one of the bands had a blog post dedicated to her on her girlfriend's blog. Her girlfriend's uber pretty, but that's not the point. The point is that it's yet another sappy sweet love story that I'm reading.

I mean, I like reading sappy love sweet stories. It's not that I don't like them. Contrary to popular expectations I do. But the thing is that sometimes after I read them I think that the only way for me to get married is to be in an arranged marriage.

Because no one would marry me out of love.

Sure, I admit that it's a silly thing to think because I can't see into the future, but I feel as though I may as well have. Because I really don't think I'll ever get married and I'll just rot away as a spinster (though hopefully with okay fashion sense and a nice haircut).

It's fun to read about all the love stories and all the sweet things and posts on LGMH, but I think I prefer Six Billion Secrets. Because it's not as demoralising - although the love stories are supposed to give you hope sometimes I feel as though it's demoralising because I don't think I'll ever feature in anything like that.

Ah well. Back to Bio, E Math, Chem, Chinese and History. Welcome to Weekend Homework and Weekend Gripes.

2011-04-01T18:08:00.003+08:00

Saturday's Knight showed me some of her friend's blogs. I went to read them. And then she showed me their fb profiles and some of their pictures.

Big mistake.

And once again I'm wallowing in some unidentified feeling because I see everyone who's got such... ooh-la-la stuff. Not stuff as in material possessions, but stuff as in talents. They draw really well, do Chinese calligraphy really well and somehow manage to play musical instruments, learn computer code and ace their studies. And do well in sports. Well everyone says that I can do it if I put my mind to it, but I can't for some reason. Maybe it's just me. Studying is - well, it repels me. And whenever I actually try to move my lazy arse and exercise I end up dying halfway through and just giving up. I think I'll fail 2.4 next Friday.

Yeah I think I'm definitely going to fail. And for the record, I still envy a heck of a lot of people. Side note: I need to stop eating. So much. Or else I'm going to balloon from XXL blimp to XXXXXXXXL blimp.

Talk About Shit Hitting The Fan

2011-03-31T23:22:00.001+08:00

There's so much shit that i want to fix, but due to my extreme incapability and fail-ness and the shittiness of things I don't think I'll be able to... It all kinda ruins any chances whatsoever of ever succeeding in life... :(

2011-03-30T21:48:00.001+08:00

I need to stop eating like a fucking pig.

I don't even want to go for Founder's Day Dinner...

Psychotically inclined at 0047

2011-03-29T00:47:00.002+08:00

Remind me again... Of something. I forgot what.

Well, this is kind of a nonsensical post. I don't quite know what the jumble of things in my mind mean. I don't particularly remember what happened in my mind. All I know is that I was reading Hyberbole And A Half (that's an awesome blog, by the way), and then suddenly I think of something and then I come here and then I realise that I've forgotten what it was.

Well, yes.

I think I was trying to think about how my skin seemed very different. In some places it's ridiculously rubbery and plastic-y and oddish because it doesn't even seem to be able to be scratched or even affected. And then some other parts appear to be whitish and scaly and flakes off easily.

My skin is so weird. And sometimes I don't think I have the capability to do things because all my strength deserts me and I turn into a jellified glob of fat due to all the stuff I've been eating like a pig lately although I'm not pregnant and even though I know I'm ballooning (pretty fast I think) I can't stop shoving food into my mouth and my brain keeps on telling me I need to eat.

Eat and eat and eat like a pig.

2011-03-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

I wonder sometimes if you even fucking well care.

2011-03-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

Trawling the net for images of birthday cakes.

I think what I think I want desperately is a cake. I don't know, I may not even be able to have anything that's fucking solid on the day because I may have a dental appointment.

Strange of me to think that a cake will change everything and make things all better.

How juvenile...

Revelations

2011-03-17T16:12:00.002+08:00

I used to admire this neighbour of mine.

She's pretty, slim, smart and does sports well. She scores well. She's popular. And she's pretty. I think I've said that already.

I knew that she was ill sometime ago, but I just learnt today that she has fluid in her brain and it was bad enough to necessitate an operation. She had to take a year off school.

I don't know whether I still admire her or not. I used to be jealous of her. I mean, there I was, sitting next to her in tuition, and imagine someone like me sitting next to someone like her.

Not that I actually wish to be pretty, but I do wish to be otherwise.

I don't know whether I still admire her - if she recovers, of course I still would, if she doesn't, I think I still would in a way.

In a way being the operative term.

In a way being the operative term because 'in a way' dictates how I view a lot of people around me. And in a way I've come to detest going to school or even being in MGS because the whole school is just filled with pretty, slim and smart girls.

Well obviously this gives an insight into my fucked up mindset. Hahah. Time to break out the laughter barrel.

Tell me what I should feel again. Because I forgot how I should feel. Hahah.

Perceptive/tions

2011-03-11T20:40:00.003+08:00

I wonder whether it's you who's being upsetting or whether it's me being too sensitive.

It applies to two people simultaneously, though somewhat differently once you go into the details.

Think about it - is it me who's allowing you to get to me, or is it you who's being insensitive or is it you who's showing it obviously?

One - let's start with Midnight's Nocturne. MidNoc is an interesting character, or so I thought when I first met MidNoc. I thought MidNoc would be cool. MN still is. But I think that my opinion of MN has changed drastically already. I think MN doesn't like me - I wouldn't go as far as to say that MN hates me, but I think it's certainly in there somewhere.

Either MN doesn't need me around or doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see me at all or just doesn't want parents calling the cellphone.

I mean, fine, I get it. I'm not your prized student, you probably think I'm irresponsible (which I am, compared to your favourite in the class), and I don't look as good (come on who am I kidding? I'm about downright ugly when compared), and of course physique - let's just say I'm a blimp. A freaking blimp. Fine, forget about comparing me to your favourite. I'm never going to measure up.

I understand if you don't like me. I understand if you downright hate my freakishly ugly face or my supposed attitude or whatever. I even understand if it's just your instincts that cause you to feel revolted.

But I don't get it if you're going to make it this obvious.

If you make it this obvious, then you're not doing me any good. Or yourself, for that matter. Because you're supposed to be impartial. Yet your obvious bias is...ah, forget it. You wouldn't get it.

And oh, save me from the second one. Let's just say that it was the end of something which I didn't know was on shaky ground in the first place. If you choose to believe some bitch instead of me, whom you've known for a longer period of time and used to trust even more, then I don't think I can change your mind.

I say bitch because although she's pretty (to a certain extent), slim and relatively okay, she's the liar here. She's the one who's not telling you the truth as it is. If you're not believing your long time friend, and you're instead taking the words of some other less reliable person (come on, look at her. You think she's reliable?), I don't think I can do anything about it.

Why am I wasting time on people like you anyway? I should just move on.

And it isn't even a relationship. Which is a joke anyway because I will probably never date and probably end up in an arranged marriage. Hahah. It's the cue to laugh and say 'nah that won't happen'. But I know it will.

Go on and do whatever you want. I don't care. It's not going to even make an impact on me anymore. I don't care anymore.

The reins are yours.

Conflicted, conflicting and caught in the crossfire

2011-03-10T16:52:00.002+08:00

Well, remind me again. Never take people at face value. Because they change, sometimes for the better or for the worse, and you never know.

You never know how they will change.

Or maybe even if they don't change you just see a whole side of them that you never knew existed. Like, her. Or her. (Sometimes I think that if I were to read this again a few months later I woldn't know what I meant.)

They change, or have things that they're not showing you, and that's why we always take evidence from a few sources in history.

Academics - history is just the start - don't remind me of all the shit hitting the fan and splatting. It would take up too much time.

Needless to say, feelings are part of the shit flying too.

All the Same

2011-03-04T18:12:00.002+08:00

We're all the same, no matter how you look at it. You may claim that you're special, that you're brilliant or whatever. But the truth is, we're all the same. Firstly because we're all human, not beasts, and secondly because we're all fucked up in our own fucked up way.

I mean, fucked up as in screwed up, as in damaged and not innocent like a little baby.

Sometimes I think I admire someone. Then I realise that someone has some kinda flaw. And another one has yet another flaw. If I could take away all of myself, and replace it with all the good stuff from others, then I think I could maybe just start looking nicely at the mirror.

It's not the mirror I have a vendetta against.

It's what I see in the mirror. I mean, come on. Even after a haircut I still can't look in the mirror. Disgusting.

I think the only way to start looking in the mirror is to have an identity overhaul.

I look, and find fault, and look, and find fault.

I would like to be a cat. Humans are just inherently mean, cruel, abusive, self-centred, in addition to all the good things that they are.

I would like to be a cat.

We're all fucked up in our own little fucked up ways.

Acceptance soundtrack lyrics from Silent Hill

2011-03-03T11:22:00.000+08:00

Time flows
Nobody knows
The years go by
Where we go
Alone from here

Night falls
Strange-colored walls
My eyes deceive
What is wrong
With me?

Deep in the night you think everything's right
Tell it to yourself. Say it's just a nightmare
Something is telling you nothing can change where you are
Again

Why should it matter, your dreams of a child?
Innocence is gone. Only fear to play with
Faces are changing, but nothing is changing the pain
Too late

Two steps I take getting closer and closer
And one more breath I take sends me further back

Over and over it calls to your soul
Say it isn't so. Emptiness surrounds you
No one can help if the angels refuse to come here
Who's there?

Cold-faded photos, they lay by your side
Something in my room. Never mind blue reason
Visions are lying and reasons just live to survive
This time

The cold. The light
The fear returning
It's not the eyes
You feel that's chilling you

Mirror, reveal what I want to see

2011-03-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

Finally got a haircut.

Maybe now I can actually look in the mirror.

2011-03-01T11:23:00.002+08:00

Astonished.

www.samuraish.blogspot.com

This is the blog of a friend of my beloved junior, Stephanie. (www.harlequin-falls.blogspot.com)
By freaking gawd, she can fucking write. And she's so freaking smart. And somehow fucked up like all of us are but less and more at the same time.

Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe it.

But then again, different people have different problems, and different mazes and poisons have different escape routes and antidotes.

I'm still gobsmacked.

Dear Life,

2011-02-25T22:07:00.002+08:00

Dear Life,

I think you kinda suck. I don't really like you. I don't think I like you at all.

Life, at this point maybe I should say that I thank you for sticking by me for quite a while.

But I must say that maybe you should have realised that I didn't really want it.

I mean, I just I appreciate it and all,

But I think you should have caught on the moment things began to go haywire.

Well, it's not as though I'm going to get rid of you now, you know.

You know there are several things stopping me from doing so.

Some things being duty.

And the fact that...

Unfortunately, Dear Life,

Your very existence means that there is a creature

Called Hope, unfortunately stuck

Somewhere in the deep bottom of an abyss.

So maybe for now because you still exist

Perhaps I should leave you alone,

And leave you to sort out your troubles.

Well, I'll leave now.

See you in a while, Life.

Reminders

2011-02-25T20:51:00.001+08:00

I tell myself,
Remind myself
That everyday, it may not be as it
Seems
I tell myself that there isn't long more
That I have left to breathe.
Perhaps it is time to surrender
To the darkest part of the hour
But I tell myself,
Again
That tomorrow, waiting for me
Is a tiny sliver of
A creature
Called Hope.

2011-02-24T15:40:00.001+08:00

2011-02-11T11:17:00.001+08:00

Apparently I don't talk about the times when I have things but rather I talk about the times I don't.

Well it's kinda human nature.

Well I didn't have my laptop, I had it back, and then I wasn't allowed to use it because apparently there's a screen flicker.

I'd like not to be alive.

I'd like to be a hermit.

I'd like to be a million things that I can't.

2011-01-28T23:44:00.002+08:00

Call me pessimistic or whatever but I don't really care.

You realise that sometimes it just gets...sad. Whatever.

I mean, for the past two years, I thought '3rd September. Huh?'

Essentially that means I forgot my own birthday.

I mean, I know that it's my birthday.

It's just that I don't think much of my birthday anymore.

I went and viewed the posts I did on my birthdays since I was in Sec One.

Sec One, I got two books. Remains of the Day and The Last Lecture. And dinner.

Sec Two, I got court shoes, early dinner from parents, notebook and nice paper from Auntie Carolin, Joyce and Joanne. With cake.

Sec Three - braces. Early dinner.

In Sec Two I was preoccupied with the ET's MGU14s. I guess that's an excuse to forget.

In Sec Three? I didn't even realise.

In debate this week some newbies, Sec Ones, were discussing birthdays and were demanding that the others remember theirs.

I wanted to call them juvenile.

I said: When you get to my age it won't matter anymore. I forgot mine for the past two years.

They gaped.

They couldn't comprehend it.

I mean, to me my birth date is just that. My birthdate.

I don't feel exceptionally happy.

Some people say that your birthday is a celebration of your existence.

I say it's bullshit.

I mean, why do you need to celebrate? You exist and that's it.

And there ain't much to celebrate anyway. Existence? Rather not.

It's just gone, that thing, that thing.

You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away.

You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure...

2011-01-22T12:50:00.001+08:00

Escape routes should be renamed quickly-disintegrating-pathways.

"Prom" Troubles and Others

2011-01-22T12:30:00.004+08:00

Inadequacy.

Just need an R and a K to make quark. A quark is a sub-atomic particle, like protons or neutrons. A quark is what I am. Quirky and eccentric and tiny.

So tiny that I'm constantly blocked by people in the front. Stupid big heads. =.=

HAHAHAHAHAH.

I want to go back to Yunnan!

It's cold.

The kids are adorable.

I like speaking in Chinese there.

Then maybe my Chinese will improve.

Due to the really strict high school PE standards I will finally lose all the stupid fat and be...

FINALLY IN SHAPE.

I like the food.

I like the people.

The streets look good for photo opportunities.

Okay never mind I'm not good at taking photos.

But I like it there.

And it's so simple.

And the people are nice.

And the people are friendly.

Maybe it's because I went as a tourist.

Sigh.

I don't really want to stay here but I don't really want to go anywhere.

'Prom''s coming up.

'Prom' is actually Founder's Day Dinner - compulsory for Sec 4s.

Most people are treating it as prom and getting pretty dresses.

I was discussing it with Winnie yesterday.

She wants to design her own dress.

We were looking through Sarah Dahlberg's McQueen mag.

She likes this white dress with two straps, but both on one shoulder, and a floaty slightly... ripped-effect skirt.

The only things I liked were from the men's section.

Then I realised I was fat and ugly and short

and not tall and slim and hot like the models.

So it wouldn't work on me.

I'd love to go in slacks and a blazer.

But I don't have them.

And I think that my mother would never let me go in that.

She'd force me into a dress.

But I hate dresses. And I hate being girly. I hate being a girl.

There I said what's been on my mind

ever since almost all of recent forever.

I would love to be male.

Guys just exude this sense of coolness.

Girls are so helpless, so weak.

So I-don't-know-how-to-say-it.

Aiyah just take it that I hate being a girl.

Major PMS.

Girls are so complicated.

I don't want to be one of them.

Guys are more practical.

And somehow most of them just turn out skinny.

Maybe they move more.

And they're also taller - 160 at least.

I'm a freaking midget at 148.

What's the use of reading all the books if no one's there to discuss them

No sense of satisfaction

Orget-fay it-way

Uck-fay ife-lay

Hahah Pig Latin.

At this point...

I realise that this is reading like a freaking sob story.

Aiyah-way.

Interpret-way it-way our-yay own-way ay-way.

2011-01-22T12:23:00.002+08:00

AIYAH. WHY LIDATTT...

YOU ASK ME I ASK WHO?!

WAH LAU EH LAH.

WAH PIANG AIYAH JUST...AIYOH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH ISSIT.

ORGET-IT FAY!

UCK-YOU FAY!

Hahah. Personal favourites. Very funny. Not.

2011-01-15T10:15:00.002+08:00

Well, well, well. 16/40 and 17/45 for A Math and Chem re-tests respectively.

Missed it. By four marks and by six marks respectively.

And I missed the photog trial. Or rather, I did the trial and didn't get in.

I somehow feel as though I'm just forever missing the mark.

Copied from Stong's comment on Nat's photo: "Ka Onn is good, but the ones we took in were exceptional."

Ah well. I'm not exceptional in anything anyway. And how can I be exceptional in studying when it's, honestly, the last thing I want to do? I know there are only a few more months til O's, but seriously, eternity is relative. And even another day like this is like infinite eternity to me. An honest drudge and chore.

According to Jerrold, everything is studying. According to me, I say living is studying. But the definition of studying here applies to specifically SCHOOL kinda studying. It's not what I want to do, for one. Because I can't see how all this info will actually help me if I want to have charity as a career. It's not as though I'm going to use Linear Law and Trig and stuff. Except for the practical math money stuff in E Math. Nothing else!

Honestly, I'd love to quit debate. But Photog was the only other thing that I wanted to join - make that attempt to join - and then again I didn't make it. Apparently Christie says I have the concept, but they're not seeing enough of the concept in the set of seven photos.

Well it was Variation and you gave me half an hour. What did you expect, honestly? I gave you a table partly covered with fashion magazines and partly covered with school books (fashion mags vs studying), a shot of two tables messy and around three clear (messy and clear, obviously), a walkway next to the amphitheatre (contrast between dry and wet 'cos it was raining), a colourful dustbin next to a white pillar and grey wall (variation between bright colour and drab colour), a table of varied kinds of food - I don't remember anything else.

Well too bad for me then.

If you ain't got it, you ain't got it.

And then when I asked Christie how I could possibly improve, she said it was through training - sure. Training I'm not gonna get.

Forget it.

2011-01-10T14:25:00.000+08:00

O LEVEL CHINESE A2!!

Definitely using this in my R5...

2011-01-01T11:16:00.002+08:00

11 hours into the new year and I'm not feeling very new. Pun intended. Well, they say that the new year is a time to make a fresh start and forget about all old worries (ha!) but AH AIN'T TOO SURE 'BOUT THAT, YEAH?

Well, what's piling in? Commitments to school. Mostly. And family. Homework's stacking up, the amount of stuff I don't know is crashing on, and again my grades are slipping all the way down to rock bottom. Well if it gets there it means the only way is up. Meanwhile I still have a long way to go. While I'm not the type to weep over a failing grade, it's rather disturbing that I don't because I'm used to it, and I don't particularly bother about that. How disturbing, the lack of emotion over a failing grade and the actual fact of getting used to it. Go ahead, commit me to Freud.

And now onto family! My mother's obsessed with tennis, my father's just fine, I'm failing a couple of subjects and have no hope for the rest. My grandmother's hooked up to a respirator in her bed at home and we're just waiting for the end, my grandfather's got gout and his feet are swelling and I'm sure something else of his is going, everybody's bodies are failing slowly, and the new maid in my grandmother's home is just fine, just fine.

Yes, yes, everything's just fine.

Absolutely normal.

And meanwhile I've been selected to be on the temporary list of St. Luke's concert comm. The school organises a fundraising concert for SL's Hospital and practically the whole level applied to be on the comm. Because we all need leadership points. But I applied for another reason too.

While I don't plan to go into geriatric care/nursing, the fact that every Sunday I see my grandmother wheezing away at the respirator makes me think that we've been taking care of her very well. She's got her own respirator, a live-in maid who takes care of her well, a family who rushes her to hospital if she gets too bogged down with phlegm. Her immune system's next to nothing but yet she survived pneumonia and other things countless times.

So the question is, we're caring for her so well, but are other folks being cared for as well too?

So perhaps being on the comm will make me feel like I'm more actively doing something for other folks.

Charity's one of the only things that actually seems to be worthwhile now. The other being taekwondo. I mean, come on, I put in effort, I see it. Unlike studying.

But whatever, I have to get back to chemistry homework.

2010-12-15T12:40:00.000+08:00

All I want for Christmas... is my laptop back.

I don't give two hoots about some supposed screen flicker. It's nonexistent as far as I'm concerned, and I think there's no cause for a new laptop. And I say that not because I'm trying to use reverse psychology and get a new laptop, I just really don't want a new laptop. Because the new laptop will not be called mine like this tiny HP Mini is now. If there's a new laptop in the house, it won't be called mine anymore. And I'd rather use things that I can call mine. Like I hate using the phone I have now because it's not mine, it's my mother's, and I don't like using my mother's laptop because it's not mine, it's HERS and it just screams hers because it's a white Macbook.

I hate Apple computers, and I don't want one. Not now, not ever. I think they're a waste of money. Why charge so much? I don't care if you tout the apparent values of being virus-attack-free, or if you've got the most updated and new OS in the whole wide world, or if you can run Windows on your machine too. I don't want a Mac.

I don't even care if my computer is slow and has screen problems, like not lighting up when I plug in the power cable. I just want it back, and I want to use it to my heart's content. It's tiny, with a small ten inch screen, and the keyboard is pretty small - just nice for my tiny ridiculous hands. Finally, a keyboard where I don't have to move around my hands so much. And I think my laptop is pretty. It's sleek. And it's small. And I like it.

I like it way more than I can ever like a Mac.

Not to mention I was raised on a Windows system. And it's going to take me forever to learn how to use goddamn Excel on a Mac, and all the stupid applications. I don't care about iPhoto Booth that all my stupid classmates are using to cam-WHORE, because I'm not one who poses like mad in front of a silly camera. And I don't care about all the other applications. I just need iTunes. And I don't want Safari, I want Mozilla Firefox.

ON A STANDARD COMPUTER, NOT SOME NEWFANGLED MAC THAT I DON'T WANT AND DON'T CARE ABOUT. ON A NICE STANDARD COMPUTER, SPECIFICALLY MY HP MINI, NOT SOME SPANKING NEW MAC THAT I DON'T WELCOME.

For cripe's sake, get it into your stupid head. I don't want a Mac, and I don't care how much my mother likes hers, I don't care about Macs. I just want a normal computer that runs Windows, not Snow Leopard or Mac OS X.

NOT TO MENTION IT'S SO MUCH BLOODY CHEAPER!!!

I'm not even on your back for anything else. I'm a cheap option, the kid who doesn't ask for new gadgets and gizmos and doesn't submit a present list.

I mean, I tell you I hate using the phone that I have at the moment, and that's because it's not my phone. How more obvious can I be that I want a phone to call my own? And it's kinda obvious from my glances at her iphone that I want one too. Obviously. It's so obvious, it's even on my blog wishlist. And I don't ask for it because it won't seem nice for me to have the same kinda gadget as my mother. Though I bet you I'll probably use it more intelligently than she will. And it's ridiculous to keep me away from my own computer.

For Christ's sake, all I want is my own bloody computer back, not something new!

Get that into your head - though I'm pretty sure you're already hellbent on buying a Mac.

ROCs Day Two Reflections

2010-11-22T08:50:00.000+08:00

ROCs Day Two Reflections

Kena stuck for FIVE hours. I mean, like, asterisks. But I think I kinda had a 'bochap' attitude until we were in the taxi and then I got honestly pissed off at the terrain. What's the use of quicksand-esque terrain? But aside from that, we had a great time today with the children at Weihei (WH). They're responsive, adorable and really initiative. (I should learn!) And they had many things on walls, like moral values and all. Shouldn't we have that, to remind us? Of how to 做人？Coach said many Singaporeans lack empathy. Someone told me I was an iceblock. But hey, I think we should always think about how others feel, first, instead of thinking about how we feel. If we think of others first, then we would care for them, and maybe the most frozen of iceblocks will melt and feel, care and love... Ever realize that if we don't care, we don't love and share? then we just become selfish, apathetic people. Maybe today's two 'bus stuck in mud; 'adventures' were put there to help us, I don't know how> But we got to see carnations and nurseries, though I don't like plants. Maybe there is good in everything, we just have to see it. Be like the children, content and happy. Peace!

ROCs Reflections Day One

2010-11-22T08:27:00.000+08:00

ROCs Reflections Day One

Day One: Stone Forest and Walmart.
I think, that it was mainly uneventful, but I'm glad I had food on the plane. I mean, what are the chances of meals not having meat? But anyway, I kind of realized one thing about China: it has A LOT of land, but it takes a really long time to travel. So far it's not too bad, because it's all in the relative comfort of the bus, but I wonder how the locals travel. But the large amount of land means they have a lot more scenic spots. If we had a Stone Forest, half of it would be replaced by HDBs and the other half by private housing. -.- ie, no scenic view. T_T Being land starved is good and bad, I guess.

2010-11-13T13:38:00.000+08:00

Off to Yunnan tomorrow. Yet I'm not done packing, or ironing, or getting toiletries, or finding a comb, or whatever miscellaneous things that need to be done.

And I'm still typing here as if there's no tomorrow.

Hah!

And yet I'm excited to go. I haven't been excited for quite some time, so I think this is fairly new. Anyway, we'll be going with a rather interesting teacher. Ms Su. She'll be fun to observe, and I'm the one without any clique/groupie to hang with during the trip since En left and Clarice ain't quite endeared to me, so I'll mostly be 'sucking up' to her then. Man, finally a chance to watch her eat. I've never seen ANY of my teachers eat anything at all. Before. A chance to observe teachers (her and Mr Ling) interact socially. Hah, time to see how good they are at speaking Chinese! XD

I swear I will not try to act as translator this time. Let them all try to communicate with the locals themselves in broken Chinese.

But I hope I can understand the accent. OTL

And there's still Merm's Smut Writing Competition to write for. So I'll take along an exercise book and pray hard no one sees it. I haven't even decided what to write anyway.

Should get back to ironing. :D

Stress reliever, really.

Someday by Rob Thomas

2010-11-10T19:10:00.000+08:00

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

[Chorus:]
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

[Chorus]

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

[x2]
Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

2010-11-05T23:09:00.003+08:00

I'm reading A Promise to Be Better on ff.net.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/436569/1/A_Promise_to_Be_Better
I should be reading Merm's two recommendations.
Because she's organizing a smut writing competition and invited me to write.
And she gave me examples of good and bad M-rated fics.
I should read it to get a feel of it.

Because honestly though I read a lot of M-rated things I still don't know how to write them.

But this fic is really beautiful. In the heart string pulling kinda way. Heart strings are actually called chordae tendinae, but I'll keep away the bio for now.

It's a fic about Severus Snape and how Dumbledore and a healer called Barnes act as counselors and stuff for him and help him get over...things.

I guess it's touching and heart string pulling (man, since when did I use all these words) because it's like, a story about someone being given hope and comfort.

Hope and comfort.

What every single human being needs.

And I can think of some people who need extra, along with some reassurance.

Just remember: What you see may not be what you get.

:)

One Day by Matisyahu

2010-10-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And I thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

It's not about win or lose 'cause we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
Drenched pavement keep on movin'
Though the waters stay ragin'

And in this life you may lose your way
It might drive you crazy
But don't let it phase you, no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
One day we'll all be free and proud
To be under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like

Specked.

2010-10-02T08:51:00.002+08:00

If each one of us humans is but a speck of dust in the vast universe, I must be an extremely inconspicuous speck of dust.

Or maybe just a free electron that isn't really attached. I thought I'd found a molecule? atom? to attach to, but then again I don't think so all over again.

I think Scae's kinda 'adopted' me into her group for recess. The rest of the people, eg, Clarice, Nicole, Crystal... are nice, I guess. But I always feel slightly awkward and slightly 'outsider'. Maybe it's because I joined the group late, I don't know.

Bloghopping and fb-ing have become rather depressing of late. I look at the blogs/fb pics of someone whom I used to know really well, and I realise that while she invited the other childhood friend to her party, she didn't invite me, but I don't know what to think about it anymore. I don't think I would have fit in with her crowd anyway.

But Scae's still tagging me in fb posts and all, and I go for recess with them, so I guess maybe there's a glimmer of hope for this floating maybe-not-so-inconspicuous dust speck after all.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I should just worry about exams first since nothing's going in.

2010-09-29T15:14:00.002+08:00

I have a whole revision timetable planned out and I can confidently say that I am going to try really hard to try to follow it.

But I can also tell you with absolute confidence that I will never complete or follow it properly and I am most probably not going to be able to do well, and maybe I'll be a case of CMI - can't make it - and then maybe I will retain and have another chance next year, or promote and then drop subjects. I don't know.

Or perhaps I should follow Dahlberg's study plan. Hell. View it here.

http://www.sehrarh.blogspot.com/

That is an example of extreme, good, commmitted study.

For a show of bad study attitude, look at me.

-.-

More later, maybe. I don't know.

Insecure, worried, trust shaken, fearing the worst. Wow.

2010-09-21T14:34:00.000+08:00

Maybe I am crazy and my mind is trying to deceive me
As the ground vanishes I wonder will the sky be the next to fail me?
Paint abandons canvas
And my brush can't seem to start again from scratch
As I watch everything unravel, why should I even try to stop the collapse?
I won't...

2010-09-21T14:30:00.002+08:00

I need to lose weight.

Correction, I NEED to lose FAT.

I can't seem to get the motivation to go running, or to MOVE out of my seat. And I think my food intake has increased. By a lot. And I'm supposed to be done with the freaking growth spurt. If I don't go and move I'm going to get fatter.

And that is an uber depressing thought, given the fact that I am constantly surrounded by pretty or plain girls who are either average or skinny. The fact that I am fat is just constantly reinforced.

Irritating and depressing, given the fact that I have no motivation to do anything but sit on my arse and start using the computer.

2010-09-03T12:07:00.002+08:00

Braces.

And multiple extractions.

At four and a half k, they certainly don't come cheap.

And yes, it's my birthday present! Since I was young, I've harboured a desire to have braces because I thought they looked cool with the different colours. Anyway, as I grew up they lost some of the coolness factor but I still like them and I still think they still retain some of that 'all-grown-up' thing that I liked about them when I was younger.

Two gaping holes in my mouth attest to the extractions, and I have two more next week. And I have a pretty much numbed right side of the mouth, but never mind.

Ah, birthday present. Thou shall last me for the next two years.

2010-08-30T16:12:00.000+08:00

Turn my mic up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus:]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

[Chorus x6]

[x6]
With hands held high into the sky so blue,
As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

2010-08-18T10:53:00.004+08:00

I feel invisible.

I'm just drifting around class like a fucking ghost. Sure, so sometimes I do like to be on my own, because the others are really noisy. But the only time when people can tolerate noise is when they're a part of it. And I'm certainly not a part of it.

After En left, at all assemblies and all other things, I'm standing or sitting alone. Without anyone to stick to.

Not to say I haven't considered joining a clique. But the thing is, every single person ALREADY is in a clique, and it's just disheartening, and the one that actually has a semi-possibility - Cara's clique, complete with Miriam, Daniele, Agnes, Agatha, Nat and Melody - they're all Christians, and while they don't discriminate against me for not being one, I feel odd around them.

And today she said that my fringe was disgusting and asked if I'd cut it by myself. And that she is the person that I like, because she's a nice person. No, I'm not lesbian.

And I don't know why but I think I felt that I was satisfied with my hair - maybe because I cut it, and my mother trimmed it so that it was neater, but I thought it was okay.

And to hear her say that...

I mean like I CUT IT MYSELF AND I THINK MY FRINGE IS OKAY, SO STOP SAYING IT'S UGLY! It's meant to be weird. I told her that and she was like "No it's not weird, it's downright disgusting."

Fuck.

2010-08-17T11:18:00.000+08:00

English:
36/50 for the Common Test. 73.6 for the overall score.

Chinese:
30/50 for the Common Test.

E Math:
15/30 for the Common Test. I don't think I'll pass overall because I failed the homework section.

A Math:
20/30 for the Common Test. I have no hopes for this, as long as I pass I'm happy.

Bio:
19.5/30. But I'm not happy because I think I don't deserve that mark.

Chem:
I'm getting it back in two minutes.

Hist:
Will be served on a platter to me tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Social Studies:
I screwed up this one. 11/25.

Lit:
17/25. It's not high but it's the highest in my class - and I think it's not that good, still.

Stay tuned for more updates on 'triggers for the death of this author!' Thank you for viewing this article. More to come!

2010-08-13T14:51:00.002+08:00

It is all over, and yet, there is no catharsis.

English:
36 or 39/50. Something like that for the common test.

HCL:
Haven't gotten it back but I'm pretty sure I'm screwed because I didn't finish the paper. I only finished inking out half the summary and I didn't do the last two compre questions.

Bio:
Haven't received the paper, but I think I should be alright for the paper. I'm not THAT bad at bio. I should pass.

Chem:
Fucking screwed. It was the last paper. I tried committing so much to memory that I kinda had a system overload. I couldn't call up any data at all. For calculations I think I didn't get a single question right. I understand whatever Mrs Lau is saying, but my answers just seem odd. Acids, Bases, Salts and Calculations, you are my downfall. Screw that, CHEM IS MY DOWNFALL.

A Math:
Ms Mansi (our nineteen year old teacher) said that the class didn't do very well, and quite a few people failed, and it wasn't just one or two people. She said some people actually had a single digit score. So I thought it was me, naturally, because it's a case of 'SINCE WHEN DO I PASS A MATH?!' So I was pleasantly surprised when I got a 19/30. And it was even better for about one and a half minutes when I got an extra mark. 20/30.

E Math:
I think this subject is quite screwed too. I don't do well in Math, and I think all my Further Trigo questions that I attempted for this paper are not done properly, and I don't think I have a snowball's chances in hell of passing.

Social Studies:
Not good. 11/25. I studied... Really. And I REALLY PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS. I COPIED DOWN ALL THE MAGIC EMO WORDS: ANGER, RESENTMENT AND TENSION. I don't know what happened, I just forgot it all.

History:
I don't know, I think it was moderately okay, because I managed to finish the paper, but I've never passed History so I think it's gonna be not very hopeful.

Lit:
Bad. I don't think I did well, and Ms Bong said she was worried about some of the inferences that we were making. She said that this assessment is merely a gauge of your ability, to let her and us know what we should do and how to improve. BULLSHIT. I think she's just trying to break it gently to us.

I think that's all the subjects I take. If there were additional ones I think I would be committed to Woodbridge for insanity. Just sitting at my desk and trying to do homework makes me feel frustrated, whether or not I'm actually able to do it or not.

It's all over, but I don't feel any cathartic relief which Ms Bong was talking about yesterday in Lit class. Yesterday she was going on about the process of grieving in F451, and how the five stages of grief were basically cut to none in that dystopic world. Five minutes after a man's dead, he's on his way to the Big Flue, ten minutes later he's a speck of dust. So basically there's no grieving time. And that's not an exact quote, but it's quite close.

So because there's no grieving time, the people are forced to suppress their emotions. (I got that one!) And because they suppress their emotions, then they have to have an outlet. So the people in F451 use violence as their outlet, you know, through all the violent parlour wall shows and the speeding in the cars in town, and the bumper cars and the supposed amusement parks in town which should really be called a violence farm...

And I was wondering, isn't that just what we're doing all the time? Suppressing and compartmentalising? Bottling up? Going sleepless and being frustrated and angry and depressed because of it?

I swear it's just teenage angst, maybe, but I think every single one of us in class identified.

2010-08-12T10:34:00.002+08:00

I like Eminem.

Some people think that rap isn't music, but the definition of music is an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color. So I think rap is music, because there's a background melody.

And his songs make sense. Like Stan makes sense.

2010-08-10T10:32:00.002+08:00

I want to learn to dance. And cook. But not to sing.

The cooking bit is easy. After EOYs I'm going to search for recipes online and beg money off my parents and get ingredients. So I'll start with fish. Then vegetables. And rice/noodles/carbs like potatoes. Then yoghurt and dessert. And bake. And there, I've just exhausted my diet. Notice that I don't eat meat.

Learning to dance is the tricky bit.

I've ruled out all the ballroom dances, like tango or foxtrot or what-have-you.I've ruled out ballet. I've ruled out all classical forms and other forms of things that are traditionally graceful, like Chinese dance or Indian dance, in whatever form.

Specifically, I want to learn to dance like...Oh, I don't know.

Damnit.

But what I think is cool is the following:
b-boying
hip hop
popping/locking
those dances you see in Korean boyband music videos
c-walking

But I don't think I'll ever learn. Ah well, back to studying first.

2010-08-08T09:29:00.002+08:00

It's good for that adrenaline rush, dancing and singing next to others who look more competent than me, but then again it feels good, to be on stage again. Then after we all bow and exit, and do the celebratory things when we win, it starts all over again.

ALL O-FUCKING-VER AGAIN.

And you're back to the daily grind, tasting blood and sweat with more unshed tears, because you're the one without no one beside them. Burying your freaking nose in your book because you don't have anywhere to stick your nose in.

2010-08-06T22:02:00.003+08:00

I NEED 18/30 FOR MY A MATH TEST. DESPERATELY.

because if not i can't continue taekwondo, and it's the only thing that's keeping me mildly sane.

2010-08-04T14:36:00.002+08:00

I am an irresponsible child.

I am irresponsible, stupid, ugly, fat, useless, worthless, and...did I mention stupid? And untrustworthy too.

I leave my homework too the last minute. I don't plan my things properly so I end up rushing. I don't always try hard enough. I don't try most of the time, period. I do homework and don't care whether it's correct (even though I have the answers). I don't do things properly and leave things half done. I don't study well, I keep procrastinating. I don't play the piano well. I have terrible handwriting and time management. I'm not good at doing things.

I take calls from friends in the middle of homework and go on 'yakking and yakking' for more than half an hour. I am addicted to things like the Internet, reading and daydreaming. I cannot be trusted to do my homework when I have my phone next to me because I may be texting people. I am stupid because I don't understand A Math and E Math and need an expensive tutor, and I still have to do homework and not care about whether I got it right or not.

I only care about reading, writing, daydreaming, the Internet and taekwondo. I don't care about my studies, and I don't care about my future, I don't have plans - I seem to not have taken heed of the fact that I NEED to study to get good grades and get a good fucking job so that I can actually live and support people.

I am ugly. I do not like smiling, except for when I am with my friends. I am not very friendly. I do not have a pretty face. I do not have a good body - I am FAT. And I know it, yet cannot push myself to exercise. I want things but I don't like the process of getting there. I am utterly lazy.

Did I mention that I was stupid?

Did I mention that I was useless and worthless, and is utterly of no use at all in writing essays or poetry or anything of the sort? I am not good at drawing, asking me to draw is the equivalent of handing an infant a crayon. I have no self-control, I do things impulsively. I spend time on things that are less important and neglect the things that I ought to do first.

In other words, I do not like myself.

To be truthful, I hate who I am.

And I am too lazy, stupid and unable to change it.

Finally, I am already at the edge. I am unable to study, I am unable to absorb information, my brain is too useless to be a sponge.

And last of all - my heart is dead.

2010-08-03T11:12:00.002+08:00

You ask why I spend a lot of time online. You ask why I read. You ask why I love taekwondo.

I can lose myself in it, that's why. I can escape, for the moment, I can not think about the abject failures, the failures to come, the things which I have not done... Things which I cannot do, things which I don't understand - basically almost everything.

I escape through it. And I know I'm not supposed to escape, but the thing is, I can't really stop wanting to.

And I just want to put my head down, have that curtain of black come down, because when I stand up I don't see straight, and after climbing up the stairs I'm not really breathing properly. I don't want to open my eyes to see Math, Chem, everything. Myself.

Am I running from myself?

2010-08-02T16:39:00.002+08:00

Drained.

Common tests start on Wednesday. There's Social Studies and A Math. Social Studies should be fine, I hope. I've studied.

I'm worrying about A Math, E Math, Chemistry and History...

It's all the subjects that I do badly in. I don't understand A Math, E Math and Chemistry. Fine, so I understand all the facts in Chemistry, and all the basics in A and E, but I don't know how to put the basics together to get the answer. I don't know how I'm going to even pass these subjects. No matter how many pages I write for History, no matter how much I squeeze my brain desperately for those last droplets of brain juice, I don't get the levels. Like, I don't get past L5 for History.

I just feel so tired of studying. I've studied and studied, and I'm at breaking point, or so I think. I come away from Math tuition, Ms Wang's class, realising that I've forgotten whether I was hungry or not, forgotten how to drink water (that happened before), forgot how to spot my father's car in a sea of others in the carpark. I've come down the lift in a daze, only realising when I get into the car that my mouth is hanging open.

I go home and I open my textbooks, I face rows and rows of precise marching ants, drilling for space in my brain. I see all that, and it repulses me so much I want to rip up the textbook, just throw it out of the window and watch the bits and pieces and fragments of paper just flutter crazily on the way down to the slick wet road. I dreamt once, while I fell asleep on my textbook, that all the information would move via osmosis into my brain, from a higher concentration gradient to a lower concentration gradient, into my brain. I woke up to a small puddle of drool on my textbook and a smudge of ink on my hand.

At this rate I'm not getting the marks I need to continue taekwondo (tkd). And what happens if I don't continue tkd? I have no outlet. I'm running out of skin space, and my blade's broken anyway. Tkd is more or less this thing that actually responds, like (amount of effort put in) - (physical setbacks, eg flexibility) - (time constraints, eg I can't train daily) - (the three months between each grading) = (next belt) + (new stuff learnt). It's physically rewarding. It feels good to sweat it out, kick the blue MOOTO shield, punch the black Champ or MOOTO target, and then see the coaches do it and vow "I'm going to do that someday."

Unlike studying. In studying, I just don't have "save document" command. It's being entered, the information, but it's just not staying. It's not being saved. Sure so I retain some stuff from Bio. The facts I somehow retain, and I retain the vocabulary I have from books, but I don't retain Math. Numbers and figures and graphs and those obscure, unintelligible signs mean nothing to me.

So A + B + cos/tan/sin Something = Something. It doesn't stay inside. Give me the same problem a few days later and I don't know how to do it again.

Not to mention I think I caught Winnie/Sue/Geraldine's cold. I think it could be passing to Jean next, then Hilarie, then Cara, then Crystal. Then the class. It's a pandemic. It's the first time in three years that I've caught a bug, any bug or some virus of the sort.

It's been a long, long time since everything was cool
I shoulda seen it coming but I guess I'm not the only fool
There's something growin' on the outside
Too much missin' on the inside
Should I waste my time and let you lead me on and on and on and on

Waiting on the day when I'm complete
Without you I'm doing what I can to let you be
Making sure there's nothing showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside
I'm still broken but I'm free
I'll see you on the flipside

I've got a bruised up heart
But I'm still hangin' out
I should take it easy but I'm still gonna get around
There's something growing on the outside
Too much missing on the inside
Should I waste more time when everything is done and done and overdone

Waiting for the day when I'm complete
Without you I'm doing what I can to let you be
Making sure there's

Nothing showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside
I'm still broken but I'm free
I'll see you on the flipside

I'll see you on the flipside
Nothin' showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside

Waiting for the day when I'm complete
Doing what I can to let you be

Nothing showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside
I'm still broken but I'm free
I'll see you on the flipside

Flipside by The Click Five.

I don't know what happens if we aren't able to cope. I don't think I want to end up dead. At least I know I will never commit suicide. At least that's my point of view at the moment. I don't think I'm suicidal. At least I think I'm still there. Not over the cliff.

Do we end up like Maeghan? (Oh you know what I'm referring to.)

So you swallow everything. 'Something's dying on the inside' 'I've got a bruised up heart'.

You swallow everything, you hope, you wait - and force yourself not to go around the bend, over the cliff.

2010-08-02T16:26:00.002+08:00

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

That's 21 Guns by Green Day. There's stuff in it that speaks, frankly. Like 'throw down your arms'. It doesn't mean for you to amputate your limbs and throw the bloody soggy mess on the floor, it means for you to put down your weapons. People like us carry weapons around with us all day - you just don't know it. We're carrying words for bullets, arms for spears and our own brain for the tank that spearheads everything. I still don't know why people discriminate against people who are different from others. They're just being odd - are they afraid of what's different, because they don't know what's there? Maybe they just haven't tried. They just condemn people.

Like people shun the LGBT community because they think someone's gonna fall for them just because they're LGBT.

Like people shun others in class because they like different things and maybe have different views in things like religion.

Like people fit stereotypes to everything, like no one expects me to be vegetarian or to love playing my piano.

Like people just think that hanging out with people outside your clique of friends is bad. Like Sarah Dahlberg put up black boards around her desk to keep her from seeing Agatha and Miriam. So you don't like them, fine. Why block them out and tell them (without words, that's the worst thing) "I HATE YOU, I DON'T WANT TO EVEN SEE YOU."

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

Why fight so much over just something as simple as a boyfriend? (I'm referring to some in class.) Why fight and show that you hate someone and hurt the other person just because you don't wanna sit next to them? (Again I'm referring to people in class.)

I don't know why we fight. I don't know why North Korea still has Taepodong under construction, why Germany wanted to conquer Europe, why Japan wanted to conquer Asia either, why the Catholics and the Protestants were fighting in Northern Ireland, why the Sinhalese and the Tamils were fighting in Sri Lanka. Fine, I know the reasons behind the conflict. It's in my SS notes.

But what I DON'T know is why we can't all just lay down our arms, recognize that we're all broken-hearted people inside, that we've fought since the breaking of dawn, the consciousness of mankind, and that it's time to stop.

I know we're never going to stop arguing in between humans. Humans just have an innate nature to argue. I know we're never going to stop feeling angry, and I'm not advocating that, because I think excising emotion, any kind of emotion at all, is wrong.

But what I think we all need to realise is the fact that humans have been fighting against every single one of their kind for eons, since the dawn of humankind. And we need to stop, slowly. We're all the same, underneath. We're all humans, with screams trapped inside, with dreams longing to burst free, we're all people with feelings, thoughts, emotions...

And no matter how different we may seem, we're still all the same inside, really.

2010-07-14T22:01:00.001+08:00

I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want.

In the meantime, everything's alright at the moment and nothing's going wrong. I think.

And in the meantime I have to try to get my act together.

2010-06-29T14:42:00.002+08:00

And sometimes you just wonder, and wonder aimlessly, about things. Whether the answers actually come is not something that we know. Or rather, perhaps the answers are already there, it is just that we are unaware of the existence of the answers, or maybe we're just unconsciously rejecting the answer.

2010-06-23T14:30:00.001+08:00

Read other people's blogs and felt dispirited.

Listened to #1 by KJ-52 and Stan by Eminem and went 'oh.'

PESA

2010-06-20T11:34:00.002+08:00

PESA's over.

For me, at least.

Outside the room in the corridor:

"Oh are you joining the PESA competition? You should, I think you'd do well..."

"Oh thanks Stacey, but I'm just a replacement for someone who's in Malaysia at the moment. So I'm just supposed to attend since the school paid, and the other girl will take part in the competition."

"You should take part..."

- awkward smile from me, confident and friendly smile from her -

In the lift with two girls:

"Hey are you a debater? You should be one, you speak well..."

-awkward smile- "Eh I was in the debate team last year, then I quit this year..."

"Oh whyyy? You should continue..."

"Eh they didn't inform me of trainings so I guess they didn't really want me there, and they're all better than me anyway."

"Oh... But I think you should continue. If you really like it then you should fight for it..."

-awkward smile- "Thanks...But I don't think they really wanted me. Thanks..."

It was only after I left them, after they walked away in the opposite direction, that I realised how much of a coward I must have seemed to them.

Confident on the speaking floor, then socially awkward.

2010-06-16T10:22:00.002+08:00

Look closely. The sign says 'If I can't marry my boyfriend, I'll marry your daughter.'

I always wonder why people are so much against homosexual marriages or marriages between races or between religions or whatever the hell it is. Don't they realise that these people trying to get married are people too?

In a world that is constantly battling with rogue nations supposedly armed with nuclear weapons of mass destruction (yes that's you North Korea!), in a world that has children who don't know whether they will be able to eat a meal daily, in a world filled with violence in video games and television and street fights and virtual tension, in a world where people think that their existence is meaningless and decide to go jump off a building, in a world where so much corruption, slavery, human rights abuse, child exploitation, familial violence, poverty and abuse, just to name a few, all exist, WHY DON'T PEOPLE SEE THAT LOVE, IF THERE IS LOVE AT ALL, IS ONE OF THE FORCES TO CHANGE THIS?!

Love is love. Whether it's between a man and a man, a man and a woman, or a woman and a woman, or between people and animals so they stop animal abuse, between people and the earth to stop global warming, love is a driving force. Often, emotions are the driving forces behind our actions. If emotions are the driving forces behind our actions, then it's time we stopped acting out of hate. It's time we stopped discriminating against others because of some whatever-shit-factor. It's time we stopped having hate speech not just in Singapore where some Tampines JC students were branded dogs in a wikipedia article, but in the world. It's not a problem that's mutually exclusive to us.

If love is a better driving force behind our actions than hate, then why do people condemn certain types of love?

2010-06-16T01:47:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder.

Sometimes I daydream.

Sometimes I wonder/daydream/wish too much.

I feel like I'm floating in a space vacuum. The vacuum is impermeable. I have nothing around.

And suddenly I can't remember anything much from these nearly fifteen years.

2010-05-28T13:22:00.002+08:00

So I'm back from OBS, and yes, I survived.

I remember during some parts of it I was desperately longing for home. Like I had different schemes to get me home, for example get out of the tent where we pitched, swim across the sea and hitchhike my way home. On the hike, jump in the lake/river/reservoir/whatever-damn-water-body-it-is and then let my 15 kg backpack drown me. On the hike up a bloody steep hill, let my backpack drag me backwards and then roll all the way down. Get a concussion and go to hospital. Oh, we forget that night when we finished kayaking, and pitched tents in fading light, then we cooked dinner in moonlight. Singapore was just across, the sea was the only barrier. We could see highways and we thought we saw a lone taxi trundling along. There were streetlamps. OMFG, I wanted to steal a kayak and paddle across.

Then there were the glorious parts, where we all collapsed in unison at the various 'monsters' that we had to defeat at different parts of the hike, where I made it all the way up the rock wall due to all my group mates shouting "THIS LEG ON THAT ROCK AND YOUR THIS HAND TO THAT, NO THIS THAT THIS ROCK CAN'T YOU SEE IT OH YOU CAN'T REACH STRAIGHTEN YOUR LEGSSSS!!". There were good times where we were screaming "THE RICE IS BURNTTT, SOMEONE RESCUE ITTTTTT!!!" And then I and Deepika ended up trying to scrape the burnt rice from the bottom with Swiss Army Knives. T_T I think our cooking skills don't really stretch very far.

And then there were pretty bad times, like when we all kena bitten like shit. Charishma thought she was pretty bad because she had 15 bites on one arm, then she looked at my legs and went like this: O_O . Theo's Mopiko saved me too. And I got rashes. It's nearly all over, it spread more after I got back to Singapore. I wear long sleeves and trackpants at home now trying to scratch. It's on my neck too. I got my period when we were almost done with the hike and were collapsing all over on the Black Monster. It was kinda disgusting because there wasn't a toilet in the reservoir so I had to go and put in a pad at some shed. It was fine then because my underwear was blood soaked the pad didn't adhere properly so I got an abrasion on my inner left thigh and I couldn't really walk properly. But it got better so I was fine the next day, surprisingly.

And then everyone was like "GOODBYE OBS! GOOD BYE CHLOE!!" as we got into the ferry going off from Pulau Ubin. And then we got back to Singapore and boarded the bus, and went out into Punggol. "I SEE BUSES! I SEE CARS! I SEE PEOPLE! I SEE HDB FLATS! I SEE THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT OHMIGAWD IT'S CIVILIZAATIONNNZ PEEPZ!" Everyone was just screaming but at the same time I thought I really missed OBS. Like, I just got off the island twenty minutes ago but I already miss OBS and Chloe and when everyone quietened down, I said "I just want to see Chloe and Eng Soon and nothing else, I just miss OBS. I wanna go back." And then the others were going "You SIAO ah, OBS go one time enough liao." Well I don't care, I miss it.

2010-05-12T22:38:00.002+08:00

In case you didn't realize, the date today is the 12th of May. And something happened today.

One of my classmates got sent to the hospital and other than five good friends of hers, none of us know why. We were expressly told by our co-form teacher not to tell anyone.

And I have no inkling of what had just happened today.

You know what happened last year around this time? The entire Sec Two cohort went into mourning. Yes, you know what I mean. And I had marked out that day in my diary. It was the 13th of May. It's Term Two, just after the end of CTs.

A few days ago I began feeling uneasy. I don't know why. So I flipped open my school diary. Nothing. I dug out last year's. Flipped to the date. And flipped some more. I knew. It was this period of time.

Damn it. I don't know what to think anymore. I got 17/40 for my A Math test and desperately tried to make myself feel as though I cared about failing.

I didn't.

Damn it.

2010-05-11T20:42:00.002+08:00

If anyone actually realises this, along with me, it's just all our faults for being bloody geniuses.

If you actually realise, all that we're trying to do is near impossible shit in school. We're learning about titration now. And no, I do not understand. And then we're going on to modulus function. And some profit and cost thing in E Math. And then here and there again we have to kill our hands trying to write out two SBQ answers, lasting two pages, and finish and SEQ which lasts I don't know how many stupid pages, and oh I nearly forgot the SS and the Lit papers. And just hauling out brain cells trying to actually pass the fricking Chemistry paper. And I STUDIED. It's not as though I sat on my arse at home and didn't study. I STUDIED MY ASS OFF.

Because I didn't know how to do the homework for Circles Worksheets Kiss-My-Ass One, Kiss-My-Ass Two, Kiss-My-Ass Three and Kiss-My-Ass Four, I didn't hand them up. The worksheets can kiss my ass, I don't care about them. And because I was busy trying to figure them out, I didn't do the Welfare State essay. And here I am blogging about it. I should go and do it, actually.

And stop procrastinating.

2010-05-10T15:19:00.001+08:00

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

2010-05-07T14:52:00.002+08:00

No, I do not think I passed the test. But then again it doesn't really make too much of a difference anymore anyway. It just seems all the same, pass or not. To think I once cried over a 69 in HCL in Primary Five.

I need to be a cyborg.

2010-04-16T10:14:00.002+08:00

Monsters live within us, and yet we constantly look for them on the outside of us.

Mooto says it right: I am my own nemesis.

2010-04-14T10:47:00.002+08:00

Finished 2.4.

18:08.

Ooh, I actually passed. Still, I think I will probably be dead in a few minutes. But there's the fact that I can still type. Albeit a little slower than usual.

I was dead last in my batch, and dead proud of it.

2010-04-12T15:28:00.002+08:00

Reading other blogs usually make me think.

Or feel. Which I don't like.

Yes, I want to be a fricking cyborg.

It's so much better. You don't have to worry about things that penetrate and spike, you don't have to worry about being human, living up to expectations because a cyborg is mechanical and can have the processor someone will invent in a thousand years, and can type at the speed of light and ace all exams because of some terabytes worth of hard disk drives. And the RAM will be adjusted to be somewhat like a human being's but still slightly different so that it's faster.

And so what if they can't feel? It's mostly the bad things that they're missing out on anyway.

And you know it's always human emotions that complicate equations and cause the equilibrium of everything to be disturbed. Without emotions, everything would be wonderfully clinical. Nothing to distract you, nothing to think about except whatever task you set for yourself, perfect self-control, no overwhelming carnal desires, no always wondering what will happen next because everything's covered already and you know exactly what will happen next, and then you know you have a chance at it, as much as everyone else, because they're no smarter or faster or prettier or slimmer or better in character or in shape or size or handwriting or typing or anything, because you already have everything done and memorized down pat, and you don't have to console yourself about something because you always know that you've gotten one hundred percent correct. Forget about agonizingly memorizing and not understanding any kind of weird concepts in math or science or the art of writing lit or bio essays or trying to calculate some formula in chemistry that you can barely remember. No more pain at someone's death, no more unfortunate incidents from some tactless but well fomulated argument, no more imperfection...

A cyborg is perfect. It is beautiful -- the very work of art that man has created, in its own image but not quite there, with amplified and personified and all manners of things, upgraded and perfected and cleaned up and tidied and all polished...

It is beautiful, devoid of any such confounding and conundrum-like emotions and feelings to come and ruin the flawless creation...

Shut up, shut up, I want that silence. Close your mouth. Pull your jaw. Shut up. Silence. 安静. Schweigen. 沈黙. 침묵.

No, I can't pronounce everything.

Devoid, empty. The best way...?

Ode to An Old Car

2010-04-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

Actually
It wasn't a question,
It was a statement
That screamed
"NO GOING BACK!"

It wasn't a statement
More of a decision without full
Consent
From
All parties

It was hard to let go,
Sure of the -
The familiar, recognizable
Colour
And warmth
Emanating from the body
Oh-so-unstyled
But oh-so-unique-glorious-all-in-one

Well, it always
Comes down to the question
People always have
Subconsciously
Chosen
An answer to

Comforting Familiarity
Or
Superior Quality?

It is an odd sensation
That causes my mind to think
I wish,
For that red old car
To carry me around again
To be my wings...

2010-04-09T14:22:00.002+08:00

We had a spot check in GEL. It was fine because I didn't get booked for anything. This time we were all ordered out of the class for a quick appearance thing. Socks, hair, nails, uniform and the such. Then the prefects checked the class.

And quite a few people got booked. They had stuff like iPods, phones and cameras. Poker cards were bookable but somehow they didn't find them. And then they went around the class. Guess where they checked?

They checked not only our bags and desks, they also told us to take off our shoes and Jean (our class chairperson) went around stepping on the toes to check for phones or for illegal substances (eg drugs). They might as well have told us to take off our socks for painted toenails or slide off our shorts to check for things stuffed in the lining instead of the pockets or strip to check if we had stuff in our bras.

They also checked all those nooks and crannies of the classroom. Like the corner of the room where the old OHP is. I hid my stuff, swaddled in newspapers and paper bags, in there last year. This year I didn't.

Overall, it's a fun experience. When you have something to hide it's more fun because you get all the adrenaline pumping and flowing through you.

Wonder when the next one is.

2010-04-06T10:55:00.003+08:00

Here's a list of the JCs that have taekwondo as a CCA. In alphabetical order.

1. HwaCh. Art, 1-3 points. Science, 1-3 points.
2. Innova. Art, 9-19 points, Science, 5-20 points.
3. Jurong. Art, 5-13 points, Science, 5-15 points.
4. Meridian. Art, 5-9 points, Science, 2-10 points.
5. Pioneer. Art, 9-16 points. Science, 3-17 points.
6. Serangoon. Art, 8-17 points. Science, 2-6 points.
7. Temasek. Art, 4-7 points, Science, 2-6 points.
8. Victoria. Art, 2-5 points. Science, 2-4 points.

What lovely choices.

2010-04-05T19:34:00.000+08:00

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

2010-04-04T09:10:00.002+08:00

Some of my classmates looked so stunning last night.

RY did. I think she was one of those who actually looked good in heels. The rest did too, but she looked better. Hahahah. Anyway, I think I probably have an inferiority complex from last night. The rest just looked brilliant.

Oh and not to mention they towered above me in four-inch stilettos.

I felt like a midget.

2010-03-31T10:48:00.002+08:00

- I feel a pat on my head -

"Ka Onn, come."
"When you're doing the shuttle run, no need to be so gentle. Instead of turning all the way around when you're reaching for the block, you do it this way."

- demonstrate -

"Got it? No need to be so gentle. Must be a bit more aggressive."
- raise eyebrow at me -
- nod -
"Yes, Ms Su. Thank you."

- nod -
- nod -

The beauty of my communications with Ms Su.

2010-03-30T15:41:00.000+08:00

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

-- The Second Coming, Yeats.

2010-03-01T11:05:00.003+08:00

My favourite song of the moment. I wish the school hadn't blocked 4shared.

2010-03-01T11:05:00.001+08:00

2010-02-26T19:25:00.002+08:00

I'm jealous. Of someone.

She just told her parents "I want a camera" and she got a DSLR. A Canon EOS 500D. She doesn't even know the brand, the model, but yes she knows it costs one grand.

While I ask and ask for a normal, plain old digicam that probably has a terrible shutter speed (ISO).

And she doesn't even want to try to explore using different modes, like trying manual and auto, or trying to adjust ISO or even try to decipher the stuff that pops up on the screen. She didn't even glance through the manual.

She doesn't even care for the camera properly. You're supposed to cover the lens while not in use so that it doesn't scratch or get dirty. You're supposed to take care of your camera. And not leave it with someone and forget to look for her so she has to run all over looking for you.

Damn it, why does she get it when I'm the one who wants one and is willing to learn how to use it....

2010-02-12T22:28:00.003+08:00

I hold disdain.

Disdain for some goddamn doctor in SGH who told my family "Prepare, she's old already" when he was treating my semi-conscious maternal grandmother. She's being admitted for everything that goes wrong, from fainting to vomiting to colds.

And it was a goddamned false alarm.

And he also said that we shouldn't be sending her over to the hospital for every single little thing, and that we should some times just call in a family doctor to make a house call.

I think he just wants the bed space for other patients.

I mean, I'm not saying that I want to deny other patients from a rightful bed space. But we came here too, for medical reasons, and while his suggestion is valid, and he didn't explicitly mention anything, I still am pissed by his behaviour.

And he seemed to be insinuating that because she's old and so and so forth, we don't need to send her into the hospital for anything and everything. Look, it isn't as though we had so much time just to call private ambulances with stretcher crew to get my grandmother from her flat up the stairs to the goddamn lift! If we send her in, it's because we're not trained medical professionals who can react to things quickly enough in such situations and also diagnose and have a ready supply of drugs on hand!

And the situation on the home front isn't much better either. My Precious, My Precious. My Precious Laptop. I wish to be united with you all day long. And sleep with you on my desk too. I think I'm becoming obsessed.

I just quit the debate team too. When people don't inform you of all the trainings, preps, spars and other such meetings, and don't even include you in stuff like notifications and other little token things, I don't think I had another choice. It was stay there and die sooner or later, or quit and minimise my losses, although everyone seems to think otherwise.

And I can't get anything in order. Not the home front, not the CCA, not the school work, not the social life, not the intellectual front, not the self-study I'm supposed to be doing (aka assessment books), not the music I think I listen to (I'm obsessed with my iPod too), not my internet usage, not my almost lover-like attachment to My Precious. Not the amount of books I read. Not the taekwondo lessons that I want to attend every day (I go through stuff in my room every single night, like all the kicks and hand techniques I can remember), not the "dropping-dead-in-class" feeling, not the "why-am-I-so-energized-at-this-hour" feeling at 10pm, not the dreams, not the stupid fantasies, not the goddamn sick stuff that my brain gets to, like revenge that goes on macabre, gory and just plain wrong tangents. I can't any of it in order.

Not to mention I wish human beings hadn't been born with goddamned emotions. They keep on getting in the way!!

Fuck that, I can't get my life in order.

2010-02-09T11:06:00.001+08:00

“I’ve often mused over the idea that madness is actually a sane reaction to an insane world. Psychologist R. D. Laing supports this hypothesis in Sanity, Madness and the Family, an account of his investigation into the families of schizophrenics. The common thread that ran through all the families he studied was a deliberate, staunch dismissal of the patient’s perceptions from a very early age. Each of the patients start out with an accurate grasp of reality, which, through meticulous and methodical dismissal, was demolished until the only reality the patient could trust was catatonia.”

-Stephanie Ericsson, The Ways We Lie

2010-02-05T21:53:00.001+08:00

Equilibrium.

Awaiting.

2010-01-31T18:09:00.002+08:00

Some interesting quotes, about death.

"Dying
is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well."

--Sylvia Plath, Lady Lazarus

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

---Dorothy Parker, Resume --1926

"Most people, in committing a suicidal act, are just as muddled as when they do anything important under emotional stress. Carefully planned acts of suicide are as rare as carefully planned acts of homicide." --Erwin Stengel

"It seemed like a good idea...at the time."---Anon

"A thousand people are `officially' dead of suicide every day, but they are not the only ones who are faced with the constant choice between life and death. We all are....We might lack the nerve to commit the final act, and we might not recognize our `sinful' tendencies for what they are, but day in and day out we confront the problem of our innate attraction to self-destruction. We live in a world that encourages the small daily acts of negation that prepare us for the great one. There are meanings of suicide that neither the courts nor the dictionaries admit, but that make it impossible for us to regard those thousand people a day who do themselves in as very different from us. They are not necessarily `sick' or `sinners', but simply our sisters and brothers. And who are we? We are the resigned housewives, the compulsive playboys, the despairing priests, the addicted teenagers, the reckless drivers, the bored bureaucrats, the lonely salesmen, the smiling stewardesses, the restless drifters, the walking wounded....It may be nothing more than the steadfast commitment to sameness. The simplest form of suicide is the act of refusing the adventures and challenges that offer themselves to us every day. `No, thanks,' we say. `I prefer not to,' we murmur, like Melville's Bartleby, preferring to stare at the wall outside the window. Preferring, as I do on especially bad days, to stay in bed." --James Carroll

If you play Russian roulette with a six-shooter, your odds of dying are one in six; if you climb Mt. Everest they're also about one in six. The former is a generally-condemned form of suicide; what, then, is the latter?

"A man was hanged who had cut his throat, but who had been brought back to life. They hanged him for suicide. The doctor had warned them that it was impossible to hang him as the throat would burst open and he would breathe through the aperture. They did not listen to his advice and hanged their man. The wound in the neck immediately opened and the man came back to life again although he was hanged. It took time to convoke the aldermen to decide the question of what was to be done. At length the aldermen assembled and bound up the neck below the wound until he died. Oh my Mary, what a crazy society and what a stupid civilization."

Well, relax. I'm not going to die any time soon.

2010-01-07T15:04:00.001+08:00

Some people are afraid of falling into love because they know that they will always end up the losing party and have their heart broken again. And again. Some are afraid of marrying.

I wonder whether I will be afraid of friendships.

2009-12-27T11:13:00.002+08:00

Taken from Boys Over Flowers, episode seven part two out of six.

Jun Hee is Jun Pyo's elder sister. They will be addressed as JH and JP.

Jun Pyo is arguing with some big shot in the school office.

JP: For a start, the two will be expelled. (Referring to Ji Hoo and Jan Di)
School guy: Ah... But...
JP: Or...
School guy: Or..?
JP: Or we can start with the principal.

JH: That should be enough! (She storms into the room.)
JH whacks him with something that looks like a rolled-up newspaper.

JP: Ah, ah!
JH: You rascal! Come to your senses, will you! Come over here!
Flips him deftly from where he's attempting to get onto the desk onto the floor in a corner. Holds him down with her knee as he's crouching on the floor.

JP: Damn! Why must you come to school and make a fuss of it?
JH: How dare you threaten to fire the Principal? Fine. Try to do that if you dare. I'll be the next Principal if you fire him. How does that sound? Do you want to graduate with me as your Principal?
JP: Stop threatening me.
JH: My younger brother, although our tempers are both really bad, we're definitely not people who try to find fault with other people, are we? Enough of your nonsense. Follow me.

She grabs onto his ear. Hard.

JP: Ah, ah!

She drags him out into the corridor.

JH: You four, follow me. (She gestures to Jan Di, Ji Hoo, Yi Jung and Woo Bin. The three other members of F4.)

Next scene: In a room.

JH: The type of guys that I hate most are...
JP: Guys who are petty. Guys who are wishy-washy. Guys who backstab others.

JH: The conceited guys are...
JP: Just petty guys.

JH: A guy who keeps on harping on his friend's mistake is...
JP: Just a wishy-washy guy.

JH: A guy who doesn't admit defeat is...
JP: Just a guy who backstabs others.

JH: Okay. It's time to decide who's the real winner. Gu Jun Pyo, Yoon Ji Hoo, shall we use sports to do that then?
JP: Why must we do that? Who wants a competition? I'm against it.

Woo Bin and Yi Jung say that they're for it.

Ji Hoo: Thank you very much, sis.
Jan Di: I'm for it too.

JP: What's this? Who said you guys had the right to vote? What is this? It's ridiculous. We shan't do it.
JH: Five votes to one vote. It's settled then.
JP: How can you do that?!
She points a long stick at him. (She has a habit of carrying them around. She's skilled in martial arts like him too.)

JP: I'll decide what sports we're doing, then.
Woo Bin: But then it's not fair.
JH: Don't worry. I've prepared something for this.

She brings out some weird machine. It's a boiling tube shaped container with a tube attached. Within are ten balls. When a button is pressed, the balls start moving. One of the balls will shoot out into the tube. On the balls are printed the names of sports.

The first is horse-riding...

2009-12-12T14:22:00.002+08:00

At my god uncle's relatively new home. Using his huge TV screen as a computer monitor and his portable wireless keyboard. It's rather useful, having a wireless and portable keyboard. Still, typing is quite difficult because I'm unused to a Mac's keyboard.

In ten years time I will either be using a Mac or a hacked up version of one, ie, running Mac OS X or Snow Leopard on another laptop. Maybe a beefed up HP mini.

Still, I hope in ten years Mac will produce a mini laptop, Ten inch would be good.

Perhaps being a white hat or script writer for Mac would be really good.

2009-12-05T21:44:00.002+08:00

The ceremony takes place in Ebisu Garden Square, at the clock tower, where Makino and Domyouji met for their first date.

Tsukasa takes Tsukushi's arm and they walk the last few steps down the aisle. Then, the lights short out all around.

"Congratulations." Rui says. They turn around in shock. The priest at the end of the aisle is Rui!

"For your vows, I thought I should preside over them," he says, smiling.

"This isn't like you to do such a thing," Tsukasa says.

"When you said you'd leave everything to me, I said I was thinking about it, right?" Rui reminds Tsukasa.

"EH?!" from Tsukushi.

"Nande, Rui," ("What, Rui" said by Tsukasa) "So when you said you were thinking about it, this was what you meant,"

"Ne, ne, what was this talk about?" Tsukushi asked.

"Don't worry about it," Rui says.

Hahah, everyone played a part! People from Eitoku were there lining the aisles, Okami-san and Yuki from the dango shop were doing the confetti, Sakurako was helming the spotlight, Shigeru was playing the organ...

Nishida and Kaede (Domyouji's mother) and Susumu (Makino's brother) and Makino's parents were all dressed up at the sides at the end of the red carpet all cheering them on!

F4 was right at the front too~

"You know, I wanted to say my congratulations in private," Rui said.

"Thank you, Hanazawa Rui," (Tsukushi)

"I can't believe everyone of you," (Tsukasa)

"Now for the ring exchange,"

"Groom, Domyouji Tsukasa, do you vow to make Makino Tsukushi happy for the rest of your life?"

"Yes, I do."

"Bride, Makino Tsukushi, do you vow to love Domyouji Tsukasa for the rest of your life?"

"Yes, I do."

"And now...seal it with a kiss."

Perfect.

2009-12-05T21:38:00.002+08:00

"Wake up, Makino. Makino."

"Look outside."

"EH?!"

"What is this?!"

"Huh?!"

"Starting now is an F4 produced marriage ceremony. For the greatest couple in the world, there must be the greatest marriage ceremony in the world!"

I really think the F4 are cool, whether they can actually exist outside Hana Yori Dango! I think it just may be possible, but it's wonderful to watch them in action and actively planning for stuff! Not to mention how their money works for them...

Hahahah I'm really really obsessed with HYD! Then I'm gonna move on to Meteor Garden then BOF! Hahah, I'm really looking forward to it!

2009-11-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

An eleven year old on the trip with me to Malaysia just celebrated her birthday today. Her mother planned a short celebration, complete with cake. My mother and another mother collaborated to get her a 4GB thumbdrive.

She's slightly spoilt, since her only other sibling is a sister ten years older.

I suppose, (considering only items from the parents), an early dinner with alcoholic ice cream for dessert and a pair of court shoes are just as good.

Hmm...

2009-11-28T14:37:00.002+08:00

Arrived, finally: at Clearwater Sanctuary Golf Resort!

Of course, that's in Ipoh, Malaysia. The news that the room had Internet was the a piece of really good news for me!

2009-11-27T16:57:00.001+08:00

Finally! I have the use of my beloved Internet after a certain someone banned me from it!

Oh, Internet, I thought without you I would die~

- theatrical sob -

2009-11-21T00:26:00.002+08:00

Okay, so it's around 0030 in the morning now, and I'm wide awake with my parents in the living room. They're watching telly while I while away time on my mother's laptop (since I shut mine down already).

Anyway, lately, if you keep up with my fb status updates (the older ones of a few days, last week I think), you'll find out that I've been watching Hana Yori Dango. I'll refer to it as HYD here.

HYD really seems perfect. Sure, so the main couple (Domyouji Tsukasa and Makino Tsukushi) have their own problems, both in season one and two, but a friend who's finished the series informs me that they get together happily in the end.

Looking at the television screen, it's some drama called Story of Time. It's of village life roughly how many decades? Ago? I don't know.

But everything there seems perfect too. Like sure they have problems but they don't need to worry about what happens, it gets solved in the end.

Why do us people watch such stuff anyway? It's just an illusory utopia that's on the big screen, and it's not going to happen in real life.

Maybe we watch it because we think that it's a good way to escape.

You know, a good source for our imaginations. For mine and for every single fangirl out there, that is. Fanboys too. It just makes me think, maybe these dramas/idol dramas are actually good for us.

It gives us a break from our normal life, let's us believe that such a utopia actually exists, it allows us to dream, to daydream, of better futures. I bet that's where the phrase 'tomorrow will be better' comes from.

Anyway, to end off with some nice pictures:

Floods!

2009-11-20T08:15:00.003+08:00

Look at the front page of the Straits Times today. The entire stretch of Bukit Timah road was flooded!

And I was in it.

I was on 171 going to school for debate from calligraphy class, and as we neared Bukit Timah road, I was thinking that I was never going to get there on time. I mean, some bus stops were inaccessible, the bus couldn't turn in because the rain had already caused the water level to rise to where the bus stop seat was. The seats that I saw were those that were on 'stilts', as in they were risen up from the ground by some poles. And the water level was such that if you sat normally on it, everything that dangled off the seat would be soaked.

As we neared the MG bus stop, I was wondering whether I should get off, because every single bus stop was flooded. It was knee high at several parts, and ankle high at others. I saw the canal overflow onto the road, and I was stunned. In six years of schooling at RGPS (down the road, near the canal) and two at MG, I'd never seen the canal overflow.

There were HwaCh and NJ students on the buses and fortunately their stops were accessible, and it wasn't flooded. The bus driver managed to go right up to the stop so they didn't really get wet. But as for my stop? No way.

Then some guy walked past me on the way to the door on the bus, and I didn't think anything of it, until Amaris (my senior) walked past and said 'Hi Ka Onn'. So now I had two comrades to get to school with! Ah well, the more the merrier!

So now the bus driver decided that it was impossible to stay in the normal section of the road (the MG side) and turned out onto the road section on the right. It was just a slight turn, and the interesting thing was that we ended up right opposite the MG bus stop.

So we (our party of three) decided to get off the bus. So we took off our shoes (I had a plastic bag!) and waded out into the water. At first the water was ankle high when we got out of the bus. Then as we crossed the road to get to MG bus stop, it became shin high for me. At certain parts it became almost knee high.

And the odd thing was that since Amaris had longer legs and managed to walk faster (something about wading through water faster in longer steps), the guy (turned out to be Avery, an AC rep) was second, and then there you have me, safely and slowly plodding through the almost knee high water. And at points Avery looks back to ask if I'm alright since I'm not just behind him, I'm two metres away, and I was trying to convince him to look after Amaris instead.

Like, I'm fine... And I will be anyway...
(even if I fall into a pool of muddy water)

So we get to MG. Amaris is surprisingly dry. (She's wearing a dress.) Avery is half wet. His jeans are half wet, and his shirt is somewhat in the same state.

And as for me, I'm around half wet. My skirt is wet. Like, wet. Front and back. Then the shirt isn't really wet at all.

-_-"

Ah well. If I'm caught in that kind of situation again...I'M ALL FOR IT!

:DD

2009-11-12T17:57:00.001+08:00

I decided to open my letterbox today when I got home from school early (because illegal training was cancelled and I didn't know).

I found TWENTY-ONE pieces of mail.

Yep, that's right, TWENTY-ONE bills, advertising postcards and magazines. For once, there were no junk flyers or leaflets.

The post man doesn't deliver that much over one or two days, or so I believe. I can only wonder about the length of time that the mail had festered in my letterbox.

I really must open my letterbox more often.

2009-11-09T20:18:00.002+08:00

A Taste of Heaven:

Sitting in Pacific Coffee in Vivo in a nice wicker cushioned chair, with a cup of Caramel Latte, this book will save your life by a.m. homes), a brownie and a blueberry muffin. Don't forget the mother sitting next to you with a copy of this week's i-magazine and a grande cup of hazelnut cappucino.

Don't forget the rain around.

P.S. Minus the people around and it would be the real heaven. What I had was a heavenly taste.

:DD

2009-11-05T22:54:00.002+08:00

WHAM. TOTALLY NEW PERSPECTIVE, MAN.

So I go to the camp, and the chief tormentor smiles sweetly at me and climbs up on my lap. And one of her friends leans against me as she watches the video. With a 23 kilogram 7-year old student (who's BONY, mind you) on my lap and a 30 kilogram weight against my left shoulder, I'm pressed slightly uncomfortably against the hard seat back of the chapel pew (no cushion, just a hard wood slab!). With two warm bodies against me, it's heaven in hell (that damned wooden pew. it's gonna be the death of me.)

Anyway, so they totally love me when I give out stickers. They totally love me when I accompany them to the toilet and hold their barang-barang for them (you marvel at the stuff they bring in their bags), and you get loved even more when you run after them in a game of cat-and-mouse, jacket flapping in the wind.

Anyway, I've already told the Camp Commandant Mrs Chua 'See you next year'.

Guess I've just signed off my happy fate. Ooh, lil' kids, your student leader's coming!

:))

2009-11-04T22:18:00.004+08:00

While I surf blogs on the Net it usually makes me jealous.

Some usual thoughts:

- Some are talking about how they should have bought their DSLR on the ROCs trip and I'm thinking to myself, I don't even have a camera, and they're complaining because they brought their digicam instead of their DSLR?

- People who are bitching about their heavy workload next year when they got into Triple Science, and here I am wondering how much more of my brain I should have exploded to get into Triple Science, instead of missing the fricking 70 average by 4 points. Which means my entire dream of dissecting bodies ten or fifteen years down the road is, well, down the fricking drain.

Okay so that's two. And it's damned tiring trying to please every single person in some damned primary school Christian camp, when the kids in your group are busy flicking you with their fingers and taunting you for being short (148 cm!) and when you tell them off or grab their hands to stop them from flicking you, they start punching and hitting you.

It's also damned tiring when you're trying to read your Asian Geog Taboo edition in peace before all activities start, and some little bitch-in-training Primary One student grabs it out of your hands to look at the slightly gruesome pictures. It's also pissing me off when she bugs me for stuff I'm not obliged to do, like supply her with piece of paper after paper and pen after pen. I'm not obliged to play bloody Hangman with her either.

Forget 'being with the kids'. I'm not signing up for the suicide camp next year. They can do without me. I don't care anymore.

On a brighter note, tomorrow's the last bloody day of that hell. Whoop-de-doo. Now if only I could just not turn up.

2009-10-25T21:58:00.000+08:00

ROCs tomorrow!