I didn't make the decision whether to apply to NJ or not. The decision was made for me.

The online application is supposed to close today. I just went to the website. It says application is closed.

I wouldn't know what I should feel. Happy? Sad? Relieved? Angry? Whatever. Heck care with emotions, anyway. Who needs them?
I can't quite make up my mind about whether life is good or bad. Or rather, whether debate is good or bad. (Am I implying that my life revolves around debate? Sucks, man.)

Last night(yes, training stretched till night), Imran reamed the team out because htey had a screwed(ie, flawed) case setup and he hated it, and we lost flat to Hwach. (Hwa Chong, that is.)

So I'm actually pretty glad that I wasn't in the line up for the firing range, with Imran as the gunman. Ah well. I'm glad 'cause I wasn't fired at (that is, I didn't get scolded.) When I told my mother that, she said that I was simply being 'xing zai le huo'. Which is, basically, taking delight in someone else's misfortune. Which is, according to the law of the universe, which I don't understand not comprehend, is just plain mean. Not my fault I never got it.

But actually, is there some kinda law of the universe, about the way things go/flow? I was wondering whether the ancient 'qi' that ancient Chinese believed in actually exists. Or some kind of mystical, spiritual life force.

Anyway, I'm in a dilemma. To apply or not to apply? (ie, To Be or Not To Be.) It's pretty important.

To Apply for NJ, or Not To Apply for NJ?

Well, it could simply be a turn or a change of things and opportunities for me, but I think I'm not decided. And today's the last day to apply online. It's a potential life-changing decision. Or at least for the next few years till I'm eighteen, anyway. Still quite long...It is to me now at this rate that time is passing.

Ah well. In case you wanna check it out, here's the site: http://www.njc.edu.sg/admission_eligibility.htm
Life sucks like shit. Take my advice, I'm not kidding.

On the way to the comlab down the stairs, Yi Ting (my classmate) said 'Hey, don't you have a debate bonding thingy?' My natural response was 'HUH?' She said to ask Bertrice or Aishani. So I asked the first one I saw: Bertrice. (She was following behind Yi Ting with Amelia.)

'Oh, it's just something Mrs Choo cooked up. It's now, for the team only though, at the trellis.'

Fuck, man.

Oh, so technically according to Imran the 'friendly neighbourhood hero', as he calls himself(take it from me, he's never further, we're 'all part of the same team', supposed to 'be friends, not have enemies, nor have any secrets for debate here'. Riiight. So I must deduce that 'team' means the team that's going to RJC U14s. That's five people.

Fuck, damn it to hell. (Great, I reverted to my foul-mouthed ways. I don't want to care now. Don't spam my tagboard about this. Please.)

So what happened to your 'bond and unite as one', huh, Imran and Nathalie Koh? Bond and unite. Face it, none of those my age are remotely nice, except for Carol and Nat, whom I get along with, but they're friendly to everyone. Juniors? They're pretty good. Seniors? I get along with Megan(Dunno if I spelled that right). Madeleine is talkable. Others? I don't get along much.

I mean, it's like, I'm in some kinda like isolated lil' bubble. For the second time in fourteen years, I'm feeling what it means what it's like to be left out of something you're supposed to be part of. The first time was last year, around this time too. Damn, life sucks. 'Cause most of my activities do revolve around debate.

Imran doesn't give me much chances, since I'm just sub-standard to the rest of the people. And he keeps on saying, the team for MG and RJ U14s isn't decided yet, if we improve in time then we'll be put in, but I don't see how we'll improve if we're not given any chances to spar, even within the U14. And obviously since my only speech which made it to 4:30 was a third, then I should try out for that...That's kinda like, down the drain, all I do now is to keep time, and try to track, this is like, I'm pretty much useless...

He doesn't get that if he doesn't give chances to the rest and only to those he thinks is going to be in the team, then all us neglected ones'll never improve. We'll never make it in.

Screw, damnit.
The weather is freakish. Any more heat and I'll be a roasted pig.

Nevertheless, Cats(the musical) was absocooliofab yesterday. (absolutely cool and fabulous.)

Loved: the sound and lighting effects
the storyline
the seat my mother bought
the singing
the dancing and acrobatic stunts
last of all....
THAT SHOW OFF CAT! whoo.
That cat's got style, man. He had a skintight black suit which was his coat. He had feathers as a kinda collar. Furry ears. And, a sparkling belt hung loosely around his waist, which he had his right paw(okay, his hand) clinging onto at all times, giving the impression of a rock star-ish cat. YEAH.

When he announced the arrival of Mister Mistoffelees, he showed how arrogant he was by still showing seven fingers when Mister Mistoffelees had already corrected him to ten(By saying Mister Mistoffelees had produced seven kittens out of either one or none, I don't recall.)

This cat's cool. When it was the end of the intermission, there were cats all around on the first level and the second(the level I was on, in a box seat), and they were entertaining the crowd. He and a few others were on the stage, and he struck entertaining poses, evident of his showoffish behavior. Then he put his paw in a fist, stuck out his thumb and pinky, and held it up to his ear. Call me. LOL, a cat doing that! By the way...John O'Hara played him. Good voice. Must go look for videos. Love the voice. Suitable for the character The Rum Tum Tugger.

Hope Les Mis comes! My mother promised she'd bring me. Yeah. Besides, we're gonna watch Tsai Qin soon, and another concert(Chinese old band, something like that) soon too. YEAH! Lookin' forward, man.
Is it sadness? Fatigue? Depression? Or just a passing phase? I don't know.
I read an article yesterday, on the expected peak of suicides upcoming as the financial crisis worsens.

Is there really no hope ahead? Is that why people choose to commit suicide, and end it all?

I wonder if I will ever fall into such a state. Life doesn't seem to bright at the moment. Outlook's bleak. The following is copy pasted from http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/thought/sadness.html#.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms of depression:

* feeling empty or numb
* feeling hopeless (like there's nothing to look forward to)
* feeling guilty or worthless
* feeling lonely or unloved
* feeling irritable and annoyed a lot (every little thing gets on your nerves)
* feeling like things are not fun anymore
* having trouble keeping your mind on schoolwork or homework or getting bad grades
* having trouble keeping your mind on things like reading or watching TV or not remembering what a book or a TV show was about
* having less energy and feeling tired all the time
* sleeping too much or not enough
* not eating enough and weight loss or eating too much and weight gain
* thinking about death or thinking about suicide
* spending less time with friends and more time alone
* crying a lot, often for no reason
* feeling restless (being unable to sit still or relax)
* having certain body feelings, like lots of stomachaches, headaches, or chest pain

People who have depression may not even know it. Often it's a parent or teacher who notices behavior changes like the ones in the list above. Depression can run in families. Having a parent who gets depressed makes it more likely for a kid to become depressed.

Some kids have depression after the loss of someone really close, such as a parent; long-lasting problems at home, including violence, illness, divorce, or alcohol or drug use; child abuse or neglect; rape; and long-term illness, burns, or accidents. But sometimes kids may be depressed for no apparent reason.



Hmm. Know anyone who is like that? Send them for counselling. Right, so based upon that criteria I require some. No thanks, man! (Really, am I in depression?)

Dude, I thought, what am I living for?

Debate? I'm not good at it. In fact, I don't think I'm good at all. I've been kinda 'benched' by the coach Imran, just 'cause the last speech I gave at training was 2.5 minutes long. And the one before that was the only speech which I ever made to 4 30. Then the obvious thing to do, because it's my first third speaker speech, is to try me out as third! Then I didn't get a place last week 'cause I had my uncle's wake. Then this week, Monday VJ spar. Timekeeper. Wednesday, team spar against each other. Timekeeper. Today, Cat High spar. Timekeeper. Timekeeper. Timekeeper. Timekeeper. That's all I do. And the reason why I volunteered to be timekeeper when I didn't get a speaker position? I need something to distract myself from the ugly truth that I was just there to make up the numbers, and that I was just sitting on my ass wasting time.

Then, calligraphy. I'm like, not good. Or at least I don't think so. I haven't won anything. Didn't improve much. Getting tired of life.

Oh, we have reading and writing fanfiction, writing fics, and using the Net for stories. I'm kinda removed from them? Like I can live without it? Like the interest kinda faded. Oh, for manga too. Maybe it's just for now, but I wouldn't know.

Music. Something I still enjoy. I mostly do Tokio Hotel stuff nowadays, online at listen.grooveshark.com. They own. Big time. Come to think of it, most of what I listen to is emo-ish, rockish.

Think about God? Try to find Him? I don't see Him. He's not playing an active role in my life.

I think I'm pretty tired, already. Whether it's depression or not, maybe it's just melancholy over debate or whatever else, I don't care.
Wow. I never thought so many people would respond to my blog posts. Now I know why. I remember going onto Facebook and telling people I won't be showing my face there, and giving the link here.

To the person who posted as -:, thanks. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic. I'd like to know who you are too. Name, please. Thanks:D.
In response to my tags.

How can I not doubt God, when He's not fucking tangible? How? How...Don't know whether He exists. Don't know what I'm living for. How...not to doubt him...
Tired.

Tired. Tired, tired, and more tired.

That just describes me now. Not just physically...Mentally too. Tired. Of life. If God not responding. Of PFT(Physical fitness test) and 2.4 fucking km. Tired, of talking to people. Of questioning God. Of having people misunderstand my questions. Of cooking, of taking the bus alone, of having one lone outlet to express, this blog. Having people pester me about the lack of my face on Facebook(hardyharhar. That's a tired, forced laugh.) Tired, of copying out transmutation circles from manga/the Net only in school(hint, I want to do it at home.) Tired, of homework. Of school.

Don't want to do anything now, not calligraphy, not debate, not baking oatmeal cookies, not writing, not reading, not taking long bus rides alone. Just nothing.

Sleep. Forever. Without waking up. Until...everything happening now is over. Which will never happen.
Just realised that I derive comfort from things that seem to be more constant, than other, at least. Like I enjoy going onto the Internet, that's constant. Everyday on the school computer. My mental mother's hogging the laptop for her Pet Society. Then, reading. Books are something solid I can at least believe in. Calligraphy. Solid sense of smell of the ink and brushes and paper. Copying alchemical symbols from the web, even if they don't work and they're fictional.

I also realised I'm going home later and later every single day, to avoid meeting my mother. No matter what happens, she'll blow up like a fucking volcano, just about killing me. Only tennis and her beloved Pet Society gives me some brief respite. I try to get to bed before she comes up from her tennis.

If I leave something undone, around the house, homework wise, something...There'll be hell to pay.

God doesn't even answer.
Why can't life be more simple?! It just seems so complicated. With me not quite getting chemistry this morning after chapel until I actually pause to think about it, and I hate thinking about Chemistry, or about all schoolwork in general. I don't even get the religious life part. I can't quite reconcile the fact that God is such kind and gracious God, and that He wishes for all of us not to suffer at all, and that He doesn't give us circumstances, we create them, He allows them to happen. Then we create cancer? We create AIDS, I understand. Create cancer? Are you out of your fucking mind, God, if you even exist at all?
I failed my 2.4 run today. I got 19 minutes plus. The passing rate is 18:30. So I have to get below 18 to make for some allowance.

Somehow, just failing this physical fitness test just seems to convince me of the 'failure' I am. (Take note of the ''.)

I don't know how I did for the History and Geography test. I read the second question wrongly for Hist. It said 'how similar or different are B and C on the defense Singapore put up?' I answered 'how similar are B and C'.

Why am I such a failure, even at such simple tasks as reading the question...I still think this way though many other classmates misread the question too.

Then, the Geog. I ran out of time. I was going to write more but the teacher said pointedly 'Ka Onn put down your pen'. So yeah.

I know, today at five items I managed to go 42.5 cm for sit and reach. That's an A, five points. Then, I did 20 inclined pull-ups. That's an A too. Despite that, I'm not consoled.

I can't even get hold of my feelings. Today in Chinese class, the class was falling asleep so Lao Shi went to the staffroom to get a bagful of sweets for us. She came back and gave us one each.

And I wanted to cry.

I saw the sweet wrapper said 'Dynamite. Mint candy with chocolate centre'. It was the same one which I had eaten -- the only one I'd eaten -- and served -- at Da Be(my uncle)'s wake last week.

Needless to say, I returned the sweet. Lao Shi was sympathetic and patted my shoulder when I explained why.

I can't even get a grip on my feelings. Then what can I control?!
Is it possible to be tired of life?

I think it is. Because I think I am.

Hmm. Let's see. What do I like? Debate. Reading. Calligraphy. Manga. The Internet. Fanfiction. Thinking. Music. Bus and MRT rides.

All I want now is a cold shower, my love for debate reinstated, hole up in the library and read, practice calligraphy, have 24/7 Internet access with the laptop(get my mother off it for once, damnit!), read and write fanfiction, have a long time to think, download music into my iPod(I want it back, you frickin' thief), nad to take the bus and MRT with my iPod plugged in, and running to the end of the line.

Of which I can do none, and I'll never be able to do it all in one day.

Anyway, the only times I can use the laptop at home is when my mother's out, and only for things like debate research. So others are confined to school coms. Then the second she gets home, I have to save everything and get the hell off the com.

For-goodness-sake, she's playing PET SOCIETY.

And the Internet is the one of three ways I can escape from life. Even if only temporarily. That's why I forgo half of lunch and all of recess to use the com at the comlab.

Escaping from life is one thing I want to do. Before I lose hope in life, completely. I need a refill.

No one heard me, right?
Here's another leveling factor:

Greed.
Gluttony.
Wrath.
Pride.
Sloth.
Lust.
Envy.

Everyone is all susceptible to sin.

Get it now?
Just a normal day
Streets turn into graves
Traces have been removed
The search was disapproved
So cold the night
The weak ones lose the fight
Too many of them out there
Noone seems to care

Lost and so alone
Born but never known
Left all on their own
Forgotten children
We'll never hear a name
They carry all the blame
Too young to break the chains
Forgotten children

They see, they feel, believe
Just like we do
They're laughing, and crying
Wanna live here
Like me and you

Eyes without light
Too tired of good-byes
Never felt embraced
And frightened of every face
A life in disguise
Hope forever died

Lost and so alone
Born but never known
Left all on their own
Forgotten children
We'll never hear a name
They carry all the blame
Too young to break the chains
Forgotten children

They see, they feel, believe
Just like we do
The're laughing and crying
Wanna live here
Like me and you

It shouldn't really be that way
It shouldn't really be that way

We see, we feel, believe
Just like you
We're laughing and crying
Wanna live here
We see, we feel, believe
Just like you
We're laughing and crying
Wanna live here
Just like you







Lyrics courtesy of Forgotten Children, song by Tokio Hotel.
Then,if there is actually a God, then I want some proof. How do you know that he actually exists? They always say He's watching over everyone, but how do he actually has eyes? Or that He's actually glad to be watching us?

Then, He 'comforts us with his hand'. He has a hand? Can I feel it?

Does He exist?
Who actually controls life?

Us? God(If He exists, that is)? Our parents? Someone else who has the reins over the world? Or maybe nothing is actually controlled, everything just is coincidence.

It's not very possible that nothing is controlled, is it? Then it means that someone, or something, controls the world. Then who?

Except for the concept of God, the idea of someone or something controlling the entire isn't very plausible. It's enough trouble to lead a country, let alone a whole world. Think of it, billions of people and all creatures depending upon you for everything, they who are yours alone to control, use, misuse...Ah, you can always revel in the power.

Not plausible. But things don't just happen by themselves. So that leaves me only with one theory: That there is a God.

That's too vague.
I am fatigued.

A combination of physical and mental fatigue. I think this kind of feeling really is what gets people down in the world, what makes them all lose hope and commit suicide...I don't want to end up like that...

I wander the corridors aimlessly
What has life come to
Drifting without a destination
Blown about at the whim and fancy
Of the oh-so-fickle wind

Oh, living is tiring
And Lord is aggravating
What should I do
Oh, oh what has become of life...




That wasn't random. Some product of my mind. Really, what has life come to man...Can someone define the will to live? The enjoyment in life?

No answer? Right...Not again...

Why these questions, that no one can answer...

WTF man.
Question: Why happiness so momentary and fleeting?

Answer: Because it is based upon creature comforts, and material things, which are momentary and fleeting, thus the happiness created is momentary and fleeting.

Easy to answer, easy principle to grasp...But difficult to apply and turn around.

After all, what happiness is found outside the material world?

I suppose, something spiritual, something immortal.

That brings us back to the topic of religion and God. WTF man...

I mean, it's so ambiguous. What do people mean when they say they've heard from the Lord and they say they're rested in Him after they emerge from their quiet room after a day alone? How do they know He's there, except for the fact that He's said to be omnipresent? What is the feeling of being rested in Him? What's the feeling of having truly heard from Him? How do you know it's really Him speaking and not your subconscious? How do you know when what you are experiencing is a test from Him of your faith, or whether it's something of the devil trying to tempt you away? How do you know whether He's actually there? That He's not a figment of your imagination? Or a creation of man? How would you know that He is actually caring for you, looking upon you with tenderness? That it's not disgust and loathing? Actually, whether He's real or not?

Who knows? Who knows? Who in this godforsaken, stricken world seemingly devoid of any answers, actually knows?
I was just wondering if true happiness actually exists.

I mean, most or rather, much or all of the happiness I feel now in normal daily life just evaporates after a while. It could be caused by a sugar or caffeine rush, and then that makes me go 'high' combined with some very excitable friends, but after a while ti just slips away.

Everything will just slide back into it's original place, where I languish in my little world, filled with darkness...

Everything else in life which I had momentarily forgotten just slips back into my mind, and I am once again reminded of the many imperfect things in life, and all the worries and troubles and things I want to do but can't, and the things I have to do but I don't want to.

Heck, is there such a thing as true happiness anyway? All those people who are perpetually optimistic, and seemingly Little Miss Sunshine, sooner or later their 'sunshine quotient' will run out...Right?

Sooner or later I wonder if I will ever get the meaning of life, and all. Why I'm even existing on this earth.

All the happiness is so momentary, fleeting, and just a thing of the moment, which might be only for a few minutes. I wonder if there's a way, some kind of alchemical potion to stay happy forever.

I wonder.

Heck.
This post is to the anonymous creature who posted on my blog's tagboard.

To Anon: You are speaking from the viewpoint of some creature who hasn't lived with my mother for fourteen years. I have. You have probably known my mother only for a short period of time, and you haven't known her as a family member, like I have. You haven't lived with her for fourteen years.

I also consider playing Pet Society a sign that you are childish, or juvenile. I assure you that I am definitely not acting like a silly little snivelling kid who can't stop crying, nor bawling for his mother. I find your baseless allegations against me absolutely senseless, thus reflecting how shallow-minded you really are.

You are simply being a cowardly specimen of the living creatures of Earth, hiding under an anonymous name on my tagboard, presuming that I would take action against oyu if I found out who you were. Thus, you found the 'courage' to call me mean. This courage is false, and you are simply a snivelling little specimen, a cowardly living being, who can hardly be called of the bold human race.


Take your opinions and shove it in the dustbin, you guttersnipe.
I'm on wake duty again.

i.e. I'm going live from my uncle's wake (again). This time, I'm using a laptop. 'cause my mother brought it. She wanted to play PET SOCIETY. Sometimes, I have no idea what age she is, five?

I think sometimes, wherever I blog, I think it's an interesting experience for me. Different people think differently, but I can always engage people philosophically...even at a wake. Yep, that's me.

Last night, I didn't manage to blog. So here's my view.

Last night, there were Buddhist monks chanting sutras and others(which frankly I have no idea what they were saying) for my uncle. He was a Buddhist. I was busily doing my Math homework, which my pretty math teacher Mrs Ni had given me as part of her remedial class. So there I was, punching the calculator's buttons and trying to remember what (A+B) square was. Of course, I could remember within a few minutes.

Many people would think that I would be disturbed by the chanting going on all around me, as it was indeed rather loud.

Strangely enough, though I'm a Christian, I found it rather soothing, rhythmic and all in all, conducive enough for my distorted algebraic calculations. (P.S. Doing algebra is like trying to make sense of my classmate's Punjabi books;I don't really get a thing. Just joking, lah.)

I think I would have found a prayer or something else from another religion comforting/soothing, too. I think it was just the repetitive rhythm and the 'ambience'.

Then when it all ended, all the volunteers from the Buddhist organisation just took off the heavy black robes they wore, and they were immediately transformed back into normal human beings. You couldn't tell at all what they had just done. One old-ish guy leaned over for his bag near me, and said 'wan le, wo men qu he ka fei, jiang shi fei!' It means, it's finished, let's go drink coffee and talk about things which may be real or not!' Or something along those lines.

What I was amazed by was the way that the entire atmosphere created by the chanting had just dissolved, snap! Just like that. Snap.

I couldn't quite believe it, actually.

Now I don't quite know what I felt, nor how to quite explain nor describe it. I don't know...

I'm just doing something, just something, to keep myself occupied. Why? Just that when you're occupied with something, it stops you from thinking, or at least thinking so much. About everything.

Of course, it's just a temporary respite, a temporary getaway from everything. A little tiny 'painkiller' that acts for maybe half an hour. Doin something, anything, sometimes just takes your mind off the task on hand, or where you are now.

Over time, and over life, the mind gets desensitized or numbed to such things, such emotions and feelings.

If only we could be halfway there at birth.
Regrets. Everyone seems to have them.

Regrets. The bane of life. Something that all people have, whether few or numbering many. One more leveling thing in the entire world. Something that makes all us humans sit on the same level as everyone else.

Regrets. Whether you have many or few, it all causes heartbreak and much sorrow, and perhaps some melancholy too.

Some regrets you can fix up, sometimes if you're lucky the entire thing, sometimes just part. But there are those regrets that can never, ever be fixed up.

In my last post, I mentioned that I was blogging live from my uncle's wake. Was there anything he regretted? I don't know. It's kinda late to think about it now, actually.

Then, my cousin Jun Qi (he's ten years older, he'll be 24 soon)said his father always wanted to see him graduate. So somehow they managed to get a graduating gown and cap for Jun Qi. He was due to graduate next year somewhere in April(?) but he decided to use the gown then on Saturday.

It's too late.

What I don't know is so much, about life, knowledge, everything...I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a deep, black abyss, and deciding to do some standing broad jump over, or swing over Tarzan-style. That is, I don't know what to do. The full vastness of my ignorance baffles me, confounds me, and leaves me absolutely hopeless.

Heck.
I think people who think they are superior to others have something to really consider. There is one levelling thing in the entire world. Something that's constant in this everchanging world:mortality.

I mean, all people will end up either six feet under, or in a six inch tall urn. Not a single one of us is immortal. A sobering thought. Whatever religion you are of now, however much power or authority you may have now in this physical world, it is all useless when we die. That means we're all kind of living now for nothing much, right? I don't see how you're going to prove me wrong.

Actually, now I'm blogging live from my uncle's wake. He passed away last night at eleven. He was fifty-one. He died of multiple myeloma, which is cancer of the blood.

He wasn't a Christian.

I have no idea where he is now. Not that I mean I have no idea where his physical body is. It's lying in the coffin there at the end of the open-air hall. I mean his soul.

Where is his soul? As in is it in heaven, hell, purgatory or somewhere else?I don't know.

If God really is a fair god, then he'll judge people as they had behaved on earth. Wouldn't he? Even if it was just to prove that he was a good god, and live up to his promises. Would he? Wouldn't he? I don't know. And I don't like what I have now on earth, here's nothing I can do about it, anyway. Such is the powerless state of man.

Sigh.
Sometimes I wonder, if life really is worth living. (I don't think I'm suicidal.)

If we, the teenagers, are supposed to be in the most relaxed and best time of our life, then life gets worse as we grow up into the real world. But then, if life gets any worse, what the heck, I don't want to be on earth now.

Did you get my point? As I sit in the library getting my physical self frozen to death, scowling at the bandages on my hands, making it difficult to type, and cursing the com for blocking fanfiction.net and Firefox for being slow, I wonder and ponder my little grey cells to death about what life should mean. The real purpose in life. The real meaning of our existence. (Hope one of those struck a chord with you.)

Sigh.
I wonder if I really am all that fake.

Fake, as in putting up a front in front of others. Like I pretend to be all happy when I'm 'emo-ing' with many questions I'll never be able to answer...until I'm dead, and that'll be too late.

I mean, is God real? He's not tangible, or at least not to me at all! I don't seem to experience him anytime here, at least not in this world. All we have to go on are the different relics, sacred texts and the believers of each religion. That's measly! This small pile of scarcely strong evidence for us to make the most important decision in our life, ever? It doesn't make sense. Not at all.

Heck, we won't ever know which God is the real one, ever, until we die, at least. And then it'll be too late. We can only have one religion when we die. And no one here knows FOR CERTAIN, with some SOLID EVIDENCE, (for once) which is the right religion. Which ones send you to hell and which to heaven.

Life, is ridiculous. Just what the heck am I living for?!?!
My father visited and said he didn't like my new blogskin. On the contrary, I do like my blogskin. I think it reflects much of what my classmates and I are feeling: emo. (Nah. Maybe it's a joke...maybe, I hope. But hope got killed a few years ago.)
I mean, sometimes I really wonder what life is here for. Whether we're here for something at all. What God, if he really exists, put us here for....For us to piss off others? I don't know.

For us, maybe I think he put us here to do his work for him and extend his kingdom. I don't know why he needs us to do it. If that's the reason, that is. If that's the reason, then people will definitely him rather than us, right? They'll believe a higher being, rather than believing one who is of the same social standing. They'll believe a higher power. They'll also want to see what he can do. He's the most powerful one in the universe right? Then I don't see why he doesn't just come down and give us all a choice, believe in me and come to heaven. If not, you languish with Lucifer.

I think life is so fragile, and so unpredictable. Of course you can plan the things like school and appointments, but you can't plan what goes on in it. Like I don't know whether the Home Econs oven will blow up in my face next week and kill me. I don't know if I'll get hit by a car crossing the road on my way home. And you have no way of knowing....

We are, after all, mortals. Then, life is so fragile. You can get killed by just about anything. I don't know why we were made, and why we were placed here anyway.

I mean, I don't know the true purpose of life. I wonder whether I'm really useful to anyone at all. I don't have any particular talent, I don't draw/sing well/do sports/write well/do calligraphy well. I just eat my parent's money, and I take without giving back. I don't think I contribute to anyone now, before, nor will I in the future.

I believe the world and my parents can do without me, without having to worry about me, buy me stuff, ie keep me alive...I don't konw...I don't know what to think...Can we trust anyone here on earth at all? My friends (the few I actually have) are so...untrustworthy? Even if I had some big fat secret(I don't)I wouldn't want to tell anyone...Everyone is so fallible...So vulnerable to life...What to do I don't know.