Friday, January 28, 2011, 23:44
Call me pessimistic or whatever but I don't really care.
You realise that sometimes it just gets...sad. Whatever.
I mean, for the past two years, I thought '3rd September. Huh?'

Essentially that means I forgot my own birthday.
I mean, I know that it's my birthday.
It's just that I don't think much of my birthday anymore.

I went and viewed the posts I did on my birthdays since I was in Sec One.
Sec One, I got two books. Remains of the Day and The Last Lecture. And dinner.
Sec Two, I got court shoes, early dinner from parents, notebook and nice paper from Auntie Carolin, Joyce and Joanne. With cake.
Sec Three - braces. Early dinner.

In Sec Two I was preoccupied with the ET's MGU14s. I guess that's an excuse to forget.
In Sec Three? I didn't even realise.

In debate this week some newbies, Sec Ones, were discussing birthdays and were demanding that the others remember theirs.
I wanted to call them juvenile.
I said: When you get to my age it won't matter anymore. I forgot mine for the past two years.
They gaped.

They couldn't comprehend it.
I mean, to me my birth date is just that. My birthdate.
I don't feel exceptionally happy.
Some people say that your birthday is a celebration of your existence.
I say it's bullshit.
I mean, why do you need to celebrate? You exist and that's it.
And there ain't much to celebrate anyway. Existence? Rather not.

It's just gone, that thing, that thing.
You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away.
You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure...

Saturday, January 22, 2011, 12:50
Escape routes should be renamed quickly-disintegrating-pathways.



"Prom" Troubles and Others
, 12:30
Inadequacy.

Just need an R and a K to make quark. A quark is a sub-atomic particle, like protons or neutrons. A quark is what I am. Quirky and eccentric and tiny.

So tiny that I'm constantly blocked by people in the front. Stupid big heads. =.=

HAHAHAHAHAH.

I want to go back to Yunnan!

It's cold.
The kids are adorable.
I like speaking in Chinese there.
Then maybe my Chinese will improve.
Due to the really strict high school PE standards I will finally lose all the stupid fat and be...
FINALLY IN SHAPE.
I like the food.
I like the people.
The streets look good for photo opportunities.
Okay never mind I'm not good at taking photos.
But I like it there.
And it's so simple.
And the people are nice.
And the people are friendly.
Maybe it's because I went as a tourist.

Sigh.

I don't really want to stay here but I don't really want to go anywhere.

'Prom''s coming up.
'Prom' is actually Founder's Day Dinner - compulsory for Sec 4s.
Most people are treating it as prom and getting pretty dresses.
I was discussing it with Winnie yesterday.
She wants to design her own dress.
We were looking through Sarah Dahlberg's McQueen mag.
She likes this white dress with two straps, but both on one shoulder, and a floaty slightly... ripped-effect skirt.
The only things I liked were from the men's section.
Then I realised I was fat and ugly and short
and not tall and slim and hot like the models.

So it wouldn't work on me.
I'd love to go in slacks and a blazer.
But I don't have them.
And I think that my mother would never let me go in that.
She'd force me into a dress.
But I hate dresses. And I hate being girly. I hate being a girl.

There I said what's been on my mind
ever since almost all of recent forever.

I would love to be male.
Guys just exude this sense of coolness.
Girls are so helpless, so weak.
So I-don't-know-how-to-say-it.
Aiyah just take it that I hate being a girl.
Major PMS.

Girls are so complicated.
I don't want to be one of them.
Guys are more practical.
And somehow most of them just turn out skinny.
Maybe they move more.
And they're also taller - 160 at least.

I'm a freaking midget at 148.
What's the use of reading all the books if no one's there to discuss them
No sense of satisfaction
Orget-fay it-way
Uck-fay ife-lay

Hahah Pig Latin.

At this point...
I realise that this is reading like a freaking sob story.

Aiyah-way.

Interpret-way it-way our-yay own-way ay-way.










, 12:23
AIYAH. WHY LIDATTT...

YOU ASK ME I ASK WHO?!

WAH LAU EH LAH.

WAH PIANG AIYAH JUST...AIYOH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH ISSIT.

ORGET-IT FAY!

UCK-YOU FAY!

Hahah. Personal favourites. Very funny. Not.



Saturday, January 15, 2011, 10:15
Well, well, well. 16/40 and 17/45 for A Math and Chem re-tests respectively.

Missed it. By four marks and by six marks respectively.

And I missed the photog trial. Or rather, I did the trial and didn't get in.

I somehow feel as though I'm just forever missing the mark.

Copied from Stong's comment on Nat's photo: "Ka Onn is good, but the ones we took in were exceptional."

Ah well. I'm not exceptional in anything anyway. And how can I be exceptional in studying when it's, honestly, the last thing I want to do? I know there are only a few more months til O's, but seriously, eternity is relative. And even another day like this is like infinite eternity to me. An honest drudge and chore.

According to Jerrold, everything is studying. According to me, I say living is studying. But the definition of studying here applies to specifically SCHOOL kinda studying. It's not what I want to do, for one. Because I can't see how all this info will actually help me if I want to have charity as a career. It's not as though I'm going to use Linear Law and Trig and stuff. Except for the practical math money stuff in E Math. Nothing else!

Honestly, I'd love to quit debate. But Photog was the only other thing that I wanted to join - make that attempt to join - and then again I didn't make it. Apparently Christie says I have the concept, but they're not seeing enough of the concept in the set of seven photos.

Well it was Variation and you gave me half an hour. What did you expect, honestly? I gave you a table partly covered with fashion magazines and partly covered with school books (fashion mags vs studying), a shot of two tables messy and around three clear (messy and clear, obviously), a walkway next to the amphitheatre (contrast between dry and wet 'cos it was raining), a colourful dustbin next to a white pillar and grey wall (variation between bright colour and drab colour), a table of varied kinds of food - I don't remember anything else.

Well too bad for me then.

If you ain't got it, you ain't got it.

And then when I asked Christie how I could possibly improve, she said it was through training - sure. Training I'm not gonna get.

Forget it.

Monday, January 10, 2011, 14:25
O LEVEL CHINESE A2!!

Definitely using this in my R5...

Saturday, January 1, 2011, 11:16
11 hours into the new year and I'm not feeling very new. Pun intended. Well, they say that the new year is a time to make a fresh start and forget about all old worries (ha!) but AH AIN'T TOO SURE 'BOUT THAT, YEAH?

Well, what's piling in? Commitments to school. Mostly. And family. Homework's stacking up, the amount of stuff I don't know is crashing on, and again my grades are slipping all the way down to rock bottom. Well if it gets there it means the only way is up. Meanwhile I still have a long way to go. While I'm not the type to weep over a failing grade, it's rather disturbing that I don't because I'm used to it, and I don't particularly bother about that. How disturbing, the lack of emotion over a failing grade and the actual fact of getting used to it. Go ahead, commit me to Freud.

And now onto family! My mother's obsessed with tennis, my father's just fine, I'm failing a couple of subjects and have no hope for the rest. My grandmother's hooked up to a respirator in her bed at home and we're just waiting for the end, my grandfather's got gout and his feet are swelling and I'm sure something else of his is going, everybody's bodies are failing slowly, and the new maid in my grandmother's home is just fine, just fine.

Yes, yes, everything's just fine.

Absolutely normal.

And meanwhile I've been selected to be on the temporary list of St. Luke's concert comm. The school organises a fundraising concert for SL's Hospital and practically the whole level applied to be on the comm. Because we all need leadership points. But I applied for another reason too.

While I don't plan to go into geriatric care/nursing, the fact that every Sunday I see my grandmother wheezing away at the respirator makes me think that we've been taking care of her very well. She's got her own respirator, a live-in maid who takes care of her well, a family who rushes her to hospital if she gets too bogged down with phlegm. Her immune system's next to nothing but yet she survived pneumonia and other things countless times.

So the question is, we're caring for her so well, but are other folks being cared for as well too?

So perhaps being on the comm will make me feel like I'm more actively doing something for other folks.

Charity's one of the only things that actually seems to be worthwhile now. The other being taekwondo. I mean, come on, I put in effort, I see it. Unlike studying.

But whatever, I have to get back to chemistry homework.