ROCs tomorrow!
Okay I am super pissed...at myself...

I totally screwed up my own speech today in front of the rest of the Sec One-Three cohort...and my team seriously screwed...so no wonder Tab's team won...but I couldn't make sense of what they were saying, frankly. So I had to crap out a speech. Which wasn't even anything worth saying. My speech could have been non-existent and it wouldn't have made a difference.

In short I feel like shit. Can?

But I got a nice shiny trophy out of the ego-shredding anyway.

*ooh, nice*
Sometimes I just want to let go.
Okay, so the last debate competition that's intra-school is the Methodist Cup. Meth Cup for short. And MGS is sending two teams, an A team and a B team.

A Team:
Min
Meg
Nat
Keish
Anne

B Team:
Aish if any of the Sec Twos can't make it, Carol will replace.
Bert
Jules
Sanj
Anty if any of the Sec Ones can't make it, Anmol will replace.



As you can see I didn't make it into the B team. I'm not wishing for the A team, because I know I'll never be right at the top with those guys, and I don't have a chance of pulling even with say, Nat (because she's a third speaker like me).

Of course, I can bitch about 'Oh Imran wants his dream Sec One team so he recruited four new ones, and he's placing emphasis on them, so there are three in the B team' and 'What the hell is the use of training people who are actually going to leave the school already anyway to JCs of their choice?!'

But in the end, it all boils down to me.

Imran said that I had improved. Fine. So if I improved so fucking much why can't I even get in based on my own bloody merit?

So it all comes crashing down anyway. Sure, I can stand in and fill in a spot, but I don't think I earned it. I think it's just that I'm filling in the spots because I happen to be the resident third on the swing team.

and the walls of jericho come tumbling down. i just never am good enough anyway. i'm just always stuck on something at the halfway mark.
So who needs friends anyway?

So many of them are just liars, backstabbers, and some just are downright unreliable. Others just enjoy turning their back on you to watch your expression.

Who needs friends? Not me. Remember, I've lived through almost all my school life without much friends. In kindergarten the girls thought I was a teacher's pet because I answered every question; the boys all feared me because once I threw a book at some guy who was trying to wrestle it from me, it hit his eye and it gave him a black eye.

None of the friends really lasted, anyway. We all fell out after a short period of time.

Forget about friends. Who needs a group of unreliable beasts anyway?
Some nights I just lie awake when I get to bed at 2230 and miraculously fall asleep at 0030 when I think I'll be awake the whole night.

I hear that 'WAKE UP AND ADMIT YOU HAVE INSOMNIA!!!' shout from somewhere in the sky.

Well I don't think I'm an insomniac, anyway.

But those nights I'm just occupied by two main trains of thought:
1. Hell, I'm so goddamned jealous of other people and their seemingly perfect lives. (But it could be that I only see the good side.)
2. WHY THE HELL CAN'T I GET TO SLEEP...

Anyway, usually my thoughts just focus on the first train of thought for the first ten minutes. Then it mutinies into the second.

And then there's an emergency third when I've been awake for more than fifteen minutes: What my ideal world would be like. ie, my paradise. Yeah.

Last night: 6 and a half hours.
Night before last: 5 and a half.

Tonight, I wonder how many trains of thought will accompany me.