I'm jealous. Of someone.

She just told her parents "I want a camera" and she got a DSLR. A Canon EOS 500D. She doesn't even know the brand, the model, but yes she knows it costs one grand.

While I ask and ask for a normal, plain old digicam that probably has a terrible shutter speed (ISO).

And she doesn't even want to try to explore using different modes, like trying manual and auto, or trying to adjust ISO or even try to decipher the stuff that pops up on the screen. She didn't even glance through the manual.

She doesn't even care for the camera properly. You're supposed to cover the lens while not in use so that it doesn't scratch or get dirty. You're supposed to take care of your camera. And not leave it with someone and forget to look for her so she has to run all over looking for you.

Damn it, why does she get it when I'm the one who wants one and is willing to learn how to use it....
I hold disdain.

Disdain for some goddamn doctor in SGH who told my family "Prepare, she's old already" when he was treating my semi-conscious maternal grandmother. She's being admitted for everything that goes wrong, from fainting to vomiting to colds.

And it was a goddamned false alarm.

And he also said that we shouldn't be sending her over to the hospital for every single little thing, and that we should some times just call in a family doctor to make a house call.

I think he just wants the bed space for other patients.

I mean, I'm not saying that I want to deny other patients from a rightful bed space. But we came here too, for medical reasons, and while his suggestion is valid, and he didn't explicitly mention anything, I still am pissed by his behaviour.

And he seemed to be insinuating that because she's old and so and so forth, we don't need to send her into the hospital for anything and everything. Look, it isn't as though we had so much time just to call private ambulances with stretcher crew to get my grandmother from her flat up the stairs to the goddamn lift! If we send her in, it's because we're not trained medical professionals who can react to things quickly enough in such situations and also diagnose and have a ready supply of drugs on hand!

And the situation on the home front isn't much better either. My Precious, My Precious. My Precious Laptop. I wish to be united with you all day long. And sleep with you on my desk too. I think I'm becoming obsessed.

I just quit the debate team too. When people don't inform you of all the trainings, preps, spars and other such meetings, and don't even include you in stuff like notifications and other little token things, I don't think I had another choice. It was stay there and die sooner or later, or quit and minimise my losses, although everyone seems to think otherwise.

And I can't get anything in order. Not the home front, not the CCA, not the school work, not the social life, not the intellectual front, not the self-study I'm supposed to be doing (aka assessment books), not the music I think I listen to (I'm obsessed with my iPod too), not my internet usage, not my almost lover-like attachment to My Precious. Not the amount of books I read. Not the taekwondo lessons that I want to attend every day (I go through stuff in my room every single night, like all the kicks and hand techniques I can remember), not the "dropping-dead-in-class" feeling, not the "why-am-I-so-energized-at-this-hour" feeling at 10pm, not the dreams, not the stupid fantasies, not the goddamn sick stuff that my brain gets to, like revenge that goes on macabre, gory and just plain wrong tangents. I can't any of it in order.

Not to mention I wish human beings hadn't been born with goddamned emotions. They keep on getting in the way!!

Fuck that, I can't get my life in order.
“I’ve often mused over the idea that madness is actually a sane reaction to an insane world. Psychologist R. D. Laing supports this hypothesis in Sanity, Madness and the Family, an account of his investigation into the families of schizophrenics. The common thread that ran through all the families he studied was a deliberate, staunch dismissal of the patient’s perceptions from a very early age. Each of the patients start out with an accurate grasp of reality, which, through meticulous and methodical dismissal, was demolished until the only reality the patient could trust was catatonia.”

-Stephanie Ericsson, The Ways We Lie
Equilibrium.



Awaiting.