I hold disdain.

Disdain for some goddamn doctor in SGH who told my family "Prepare, she's old already" when he was treating my semi-conscious maternal grandmother. She's being admitted for everything that goes wrong, from fainting to vomiting to colds.

And it was a goddamned false alarm.

And he also said that we shouldn't be sending her over to the hospital for every single little thing, and that we should some times just call in a family doctor to make a house call.

I think he just wants the bed space for other patients.

I mean, I'm not saying that I want to deny other patients from a rightful bed space. But we came here too, for medical reasons, and while his suggestion is valid, and he didn't explicitly mention anything, I still am pissed by his behaviour.

And he seemed to be insinuating that because she's old and so and so forth, we don't need to send her into the hospital for anything and everything. Look, it isn't as though we had so much time just to call private ambulances with stretcher crew to get my grandmother from her flat up the stairs to the goddamn lift! If we send her in, it's because we're not trained medical professionals who can react to things quickly enough in such situations and also diagnose and have a ready supply of drugs on hand!

And the situation on the home front isn't much better either. My Precious, My Precious. My Precious Laptop. I wish to be united with you all day long. And sleep with you on my desk too. I think I'm becoming obsessed.

I just quit the debate team too. When people don't inform you of all the trainings, preps, spars and other such meetings, and don't even include you in stuff like notifications and other little token things, I don't think I had another choice. It was stay there and die sooner or later, or quit and minimise my losses, although everyone seems to think otherwise.

And I can't get anything in order. Not the home front, not the CCA, not the school work, not the social life, not the intellectual front, not the self-study I'm supposed to be doing (aka assessment books), not the music I think I listen to (I'm obsessed with my iPod too), not my internet usage, not my almost lover-like attachment to My Precious. Not the amount of books I read. Not the taekwondo lessons that I want to attend every day (I go through stuff in my room every single night, like all the kicks and hand techniques I can remember), not the "dropping-dead-in-class" feeling, not the "why-am-I-so-energized-at-this-hour" feeling at 10pm, not the dreams, not the stupid fantasies, not the goddamn sick stuff that my brain gets to, like revenge that goes on macabre, gory and just plain wrong tangents. I can't any of it in order.

Not to mention I wish human beings hadn't been born with goddamned emotions. They keep on getting in the way!!

Fuck that, I can't get my life in order.