Drained.

Common tests start on Wednesday. There's Social Studies and A Math. Social Studies should be fine, I hope. I've studied.

I'm worrying about A Math, E Math, Chemistry and History...

It's all the subjects that I do badly in. I don't understand A Math, E Math and Chemistry. Fine, so I understand all the facts in Chemistry, and all the basics in A and E, but I don't know how to put the basics together to get the answer. I don't know how I'm going to even pass these subjects. No matter how many pages I write for History, no matter how much I squeeze my brain desperately for those last droplets of brain juice, I don't get the levels. Like, I don't get past L5 for History.

I just feel so tired of studying. I've studied and studied, and I'm at breaking point, or so I think. I come away from Math tuition, Ms Wang's class, realising that I've forgotten whether I was hungry or not, forgotten how to drink water (that happened before), forgot how to spot my father's car in a sea of others in the carpark. I've come down the lift in a daze, only realising when I get into the car that my mouth is hanging open.

I go home and I open my textbooks, I face rows and rows of precise marching ants, drilling for space in my brain. I see all that, and it repulses me so much I want to rip up the textbook, just throw it out of the window and watch the bits and pieces and fragments of paper just flutter crazily on the way down to the slick wet road. I dreamt once, while I fell asleep on my textbook, that all the information would move via osmosis into my brain, from a higher concentration gradient to a lower concentration gradient, into my brain. I woke up to a small puddle of drool on my textbook and a smudge of ink on my hand.

At this rate I'm not getting the marks I need to continue taekwondo (tkd). And what happens if I don't continue tkd? I have no outlet. I'm running out of skin space, and my blade's broken anyway. Tkd is more or less this thing that actually responds, like (amount of effort put in) - (physical setbacks, eg flexibility) - (time constraints, eg I can't train daily) - (the three months between each grading) = (next belt) + (new stuff learnt). It's physically rewarding. It feels good to sweat it out, kick the blue MOOTO shield, punch the black Champ or MOOTO target, and then see the coaches do it and vow "I'm going to do that someday."

Unlike studying. In studying, I just don't have "save document" command. It's being entered, the information, but it's just not staying. It's not being saved. Sure so I retain some stuff from Bio. The facts I somehow retain, and I retain the vocabulary I have from books, but I don't retain Math. Numbers and figures and graphs and those obscure, unintelligible signs mean nothing to me.

So A + B + cos/tan/sin Something = Something. It doesn't stay inside. Give me the same problem a few days later and I don't know how to do it again.

Not to mention I think I caught Winnie/Sue/Geraldine's cold. I think it could be passing to Jean next, then Hilarie, then Cara, then Crystal. Then the class. It's a pandemic. It's the first time in three years that I've caught a bug, any bug or some virus of the sort.




It's been a long, long time since everything was cool
I shoulda seen it coming but I guess I'm not the only fool
There's something growin' on the outside
Too much missin' on the inside
Should I waste my time and let you lead me on and on and on and on

Waiting on the day when I'm complete
Without you I'm doing what I can to let you be
Making sure there's nothing showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside
I'm still broken but I'm free
I'll see you on the flipside

I've got a bruised up heart
But I'm still hangin' out
I should take it easy but I'm still gonna get around
There's something growing on the outside
Too much missing on the inside
Should I waste more time when everything is done and done and overdone

Waiting for the day when I'm complete
Without you I'm doing what I can to let you be
Making sure there's

Nothing showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside
I'm still broken but I'm free
I'll see you on the flipside

I'll see you on the flipside
Nothin' showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside

Waiting for the day when I'm complete
Doing what I can to let you be

Nothing showing on the outside
Something's dying on the inside
I'm still broken but I'm free
I'll see you on the flipside


Flipside by The Click Five.

I don't know what happens if we aren't able to cope. I don't think I want to end up dead. At least I know I will never commit suicide. At least that's my point of view at the moment. I don't think I'm suicidal. At least I think I'm still there. Not over the cliff.

Do we end up like Maeghan? (Oh you know what I'm referring to.)

So you swallow everything. 'Something's dying on the inside' 'I've got a bruised up heart'.

You swallow everything, you hope, you wait - and force yourself not to go around the bend, over the cliff.