Talk About Shit Hitting The Fan
Thursday, March 31, 2011, 23:22
There's so much shit that i want to fix, but due to my extreme incapability and fail-ness and the shittiness of things I don't think I'll be able to... It all kinda ruins any chances whatsoever of ever succeeding in life... :(

Wednesday, March 30, 2011, 21:48
I need to stop eating like a fucking pig.

I don't even want to go for Founder's Day Dinner...

Psychotically inclined at 0047
Tuesday, March 29, 2011, 00:47
Remind me again... Of something. I forgot what.

Well, this is kind of a nonsensical post. I don't quite know what the jumble of things in my mind mean. I don't particularly remember what happened in my mind. All I know is that I was reading Hyberbole And A Half (that's an awesome blog, by the way), and then suddenly I think of something and then I come here and then I realise that I've forgotten what it was.

Well, yes.

I think I was trying to think about how my skin seemed very different. In some places it's ridiculously rubbery and plastic-y and oddish because it doesn't even seem to be able to be scratched or even affected. And then some other parts appear to be whitish and scaly and flakes off easily.

My skin is so weird. And sometimes I don't think I have the capability to do things because all my strength deserts me and I turn into a jellified glob of fat due to all the stuff I've been eating like a pig lately although I'm not pregnant and even though I know I'm ballooning (pretty fast I think) I can't stop shoving food into my mouth and my brain keeps on telling me I need to eat.

Eat and eat and eat like a pig.



Wednesday, March 23, 2011, 23:35
I wonder sometimes if you even fucking well care. 

Saturday, March 19, 2011, 20:04
Trawling the net for images of birthday cakes.

I think what I think I want desperately is a cake. I don't know, I may not even be able to have anything that's fucking solid on the day because I may have a dental appointment.

Strange of me to think that a cake will change everything and make things all better.

How juvenile...

Revelations
Thursday, March 17, 2011, 16:12
I used to admire this neighbour of mine.

She's pretty, slim, smart and does sports well. She scores well. She's popular. And she's pretty. I think I've said that already.

I knew that she was ill sometime ago, but I just learnt today that she has fluid in her brain and it was bad enough to necessitate an operation. She had to take a year off school.

I don't know whether I still admire her or not. I used to be jealous of her. I mean, there I was, sitting next to her in tuition, and imagine someone like me sitting next to someone like her.

Not that I actually wish to be pretty, but I do wish to be otherwise.

I don't know whether I still admire her - if she recovers, of course I still would, if she doesn't, I think I still would in a way.

In a way being the operative term.

In a way being the operative term because 'in a way' dictates how I view a lot of people around me. And in a way I've come to detest going to school or even being in MGS because the whole school is just filled with pretty, slim and smart girls.

Well obviously this gives an insight into my fucked up mindset. Hahah. Time to break out the laughter barrel.

Tell me what I should feel again. Because I forgot how I should feel. Hahah.

Perceptive/tions
Friday, March 11, 2011, 20:40
I wonder whether it's you who's being upsetting or whether it's me being too sensitive.

It applies to two people simultaneously, though somewhat differently once you go into the details.

Think about it - is it me who's allowing you to get to me, or is it you who's being insensitive or is it you who's showing it obviously?

One - let's start with Midnight's Nocturne. MidNoc is an interesting character, or so I thought when I first met MidNoc. I thought MidNoc would be cool. MN still is. But I think that my opinion of MN has changed drastically already. I think MN doesn't like me - I wouldn't go as far as to say that MN hates me, but I think it's certainly in there somewhere.

Either MN doesn't need me around or doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see me at all or just doesn't want parents calling the cellphone.

I mean, fine, I get it. I'm not your prized student, you probably think I'm irresponsible (which I am, compared to your favourite in the class), and I don't look as good (come on who am I kidding? I'm about downright ugly when compared), and of course physique - let's just say I'm a blimp. A freaking blimp. Fine, forget about comparing me to your favourite. I'm never going to measure up.

I understand if you don't like me. I understand if you downright hate my freakishly ugly face or my supposed attitude or whatever. I even understand if it's just your instincts that cause you to feel revolted.

But I don't get it if you're going to make it this obvious.

If you make it this obvious, then you're not doing me any good. Or yourself, for that matter. Because you're supposed to be impartial. Yet your obvious bias is...ah, forget it. You wouldn't get it.

And oh, save me from the second one. Let's just say that it was the end of something which I didn't know was on shaky ground in the first place. If you choose to believe some bitch instead of me, whom you've known for a longer period of time and used to trust even more, then I don't think I can change your mind.

I say bitch because although she's pretty (to a certain extent), slim and relatively okay, she's the liar here. She's the one who's not telling you the truth as it is. If you're not believing your long time friend, and you're instead taking the words of some other less reliable person (come on, look at her. You think she's reliable?), I don't think I can do anything about it.

Why am I wasting time on people like you anyway? I should just move on.

And it isn't even a relationship. Which is a joke anyway because I will probably never date and probably end up in an arranged marriage. Hahah. It's the cue to laugh and say 'nah that won't happen'. But I know it will.

Go on and do whatever you want. I don't care. It's not going to even make an impact on me anymore. I don't care anymore.

The reins are yours.

Conflicted, conflicting and caught in the crossfire
Thursday, March 10, 2011, 16:52
Well, remind me again. Never take people at face value. Because they change, sometimes for the better or for the worse, and you never know.

You never know how they will change.

Or maybe even if they don't change you just see a whole side of them that you never knew existed. Like, her. Or her. (Sometimes I think that if I were to read this again a few months later I woldn't know what I meant.)

They change, or have things that they're not showing you, and that's why we always take evidence from a few sources in history.

Academics - history is just the start - don't remind me of all the shit hitting the fan and splatting. It would take up too much time.

Needless to say, feelings are part of the shit flying too.

All the Same
Friday, March 4, 2011, 18:12
We're all the same, no matter how you look at it. You may claim that you're special, that you're brilliant or whatever. But the truth is, we're all the same. Firstly because we're all human, not beasts, and secondly because we're all fucked up in our own fucked up way.

I mean, fucked up as in screwed up, as in damaged and not innocent like a little baby.

Sometimes I think I admire someone. Then I realise that someone has some kinda flaw. And another one has yet another flaw. If I could take away all of myself, and replace it with all the good stuff from others, then I think I could maybe just start looking nicely at the mirror.

It's not the mirror I have a vendetta against.

It's what I see in the mirror. I mean, come on. Even after a haircut I still can't look in the mirror. Disgusting.

I think the only way to start looking in the mirror is to have an identity overhaul.

I look, and find fault, and look, and find fault.

I would like to be a cat. Humans are just inherently mean, cruel, abusive, self-centred, in addition to all the good things that they are.

I would like to be a cat.

We're all fucked up in our own little fucked up ways.

Acceptance soundtrack lyrics from Silent Hill
Thursday, March 3, 2011, 11:22
Time flows
Nobody knows
The years go by
Where we go
Alone from here

Night falls
Strange-colored walls
My eyes deceive
What is wrong
With me?

Deep in the night you think everything's right
Tell it to yourself. Say it's just a nightmare
Something is telling you nothing can change where you are
Again

Why should it matter, your dreams of a child?
Innocence is gone. Only fear to play with
Faces are changing, but nothing is changing the pain
Too late

Two steps I take getting closer and closer
And one more breath I take sends me further back

Over and over it calls to your soul
Say it isn't so. Emptiness surrounds you
No one can help if the angels refuse to come here
Who's there?

Cold-faded photos, they lay by your side
Something in my room. Never mind blue reason
Visions are lying and reasons just live to survive
This time

The cold. The light
The fear returning
It's not the eyes
You feel that's chilling you

Mirror, reveal what I want to see
Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 23:22
Finally got a haircut.

Maybe now I can actually look in the mirror.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011, 11:23
Astonished.

www.samuraish.blogspot.com

This is the blog of a friend of my beloved junior, Stephanie. (www.harlequin-falls.blogspot.com)
By freaking gawd, she can fucking write. And she's so freaking smart. And somehow fucked up like all of us are but less and more at the same time.

Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe it.

But then again, different people have different problems, and different mazes and poisons have different escape routes and antidotes.

I'm still gobsmacked.